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Satire  Published 02/07/17 10:26am

Joe Biden Already Rejected From 8 Wharton Clubs

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Photo: Susanna Jaramillo / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Only a few weeks after his departure from the White House, Joe Biden has already begun to face the vigorous competition of the outside world. Sources suggest that Mr. Biden, whose specific role at Penn has just been announced, has already been rejected by 8 Wharton clubs.

Following the grueling process of filling out repetitive Google forms and re-writing the same 250-word essay, Biden has faced a fate familiar to countless applicants before him: rejection.

When asked about the decision regarding Biden’s application, the Secretary-VP-of-External-Social-Chair-Operations of the Wharton Undergraduate Stock Consulting and Synergy Financing Club stated, “It was a very competitive application pool this year. We need to know that our applicants can successfully meet the primary requirements of this club: placing the club’s name on their LinkedIn profile and sharing Facebook events. And unfortunately, Mr. Biden has neither a LinkedIn nor a Facebook account.”

“His professional resume was okay, I guess”, said the President of the Wharton Committee for Managerial Finance Data Trading Initiatives, “The politics stuff he did recently was pretty cool, but he wasn’t friends with anyone on our board. I think that really hurt his credibility”.

Following the one club interview that he did receive, Mr. Biden was left feeling distraught and overwhelmed. “The questions about introductory finance and accounting really stumped me,” he said. “Those Wharton juniors must be such geniuses!” Biden was not accepted to the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, or seventh round of the application process, and was instead told to head home.

It’s clear that the skills one develops as Vice President of the United States are not useful for more serious responsibilities, like reserving Huntsman rooms for occasional GBMs and spamming listservs.

Moving forward, Biden fears that without admission to any of these prestigious clubs, he will never be able to receive that coveted Goldman Sachs internship. We wish the best for Mr. Biden, and lament his now-ruined career prospects. Hopefully he can still be an RA in the Quad, if nothing else. Welcome to Penn, Joe.

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