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Satire  Published 11/13/17 6:24pm

Freshman Loses Not Just Phone But Entire Life Thanks to Phone Wallet

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Photo by David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian


What Evan Parlucci (C ’21) initially thought was a trendy, convenient addition to his iPhone ultimately resulted in his rapid demise.

Late October, Parlucci decided to finally go through all of the free (and presumably worthless) shit he had been given during NSO and had thrown into a desk drawer and totally forgotten about until now. He sifted through the pile of pens, buttons, and brochures until he found the diamond in the rough— actually two diamonds, because he also found an SHS branded condom. The original diamond, though, was a sick phone wallet.

This phone wallet changed Parlucci’s life. No longer did he look pretty cool sporting his lanyard and Penn card, because now he looked super cool with it attached to his phone. Sure, his bank account was depleting at a concerning rate, but at least he could carry his debit card around with him anyway!

But, just as quickly as his life was changed, it was lost. After a drunken night of bad decisions in Chinatown, he woke up in his New College House room with a flat screen TV on his wall but his iPhone nowhere to be seen. He searched far and wide, consulted Find My iPhone, and even sent the shameful “Did anyone grab my phone by mistake?” GroupMe message. His phone, Penn Card, debit card, credit card, fake ID, real ID, Cheese of the Month identification wedge, and expired Chili’s gift card were gone.

At press time, Parlucci was frantically canceling his various cards, most visibly distraught over his loss of free bottomless apps at the popular chain restaurant.

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