Buying condoms can be intimidating. Buying condoms at Fresh Grocer can be a living hell. They keep them behind the counter with the cigarettes, requiring you to ask for them and specify the exact brand and weird lubricant type that you prefer. The results can be devastating as the person behind the counter will most likely cock an eyebrow as if to suggest that the probability of you getting laid is rather low. That being said, UTB is happy to provide a few strategies that can minimize the anguish of the experience.
- Pretend to be on a very important phone call: Before you walk up to the counter, put your phone to your ear and very loudly begin discussing something vague but important. For an added touch, have a coffee in hand that you drink while the "other person" talks. Somewhere in the phone call, ask for condoms as an aside before quickly going back to your phone call. Here's some sample dialogue: "Listen, just buy it. Buy, buy, buy......well then sell it! I don't know! (Aside) Hey can I get a pack of extra-snug condoms? Thanks (end aside) Well you tell him that if the SEC wants to come crawling up my ass, they can bloody well do so...Hold on, the Dalai Lama is on the other line, I gotta take this."
- Disguise the purchase by also buying less-incriminating items: This one is a classic move. Before buying condoms, buy a variety of items to normalize the purchase and hide the fact that you only came in for condoms. Here's an ideal basket: an issue of Good Housekeeping, 1/2 pound of smoked turkey, black and white cookies, one two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, and a pack of Trident Layers. Feel free to customize this example basket to fit your personality!
- Disguise the purchase by also buying an inadvisable amount of cigarettes: The condoms and the cigarettes are kept in the same place anyway. Reduce your embarrassment by buying a shit-ton of cigarettes. Buy at least three packs of each brand and type. This will distract the person behind the counter and make condoms look like a perfectly normal and responsible choice. Besides, it's finals season - you needed a smoke.
- Leave Fro-Gro and go floor-to-floor in Harrison hunting for free condoms: Fuck it. Get outta there and run to Harrison. Take the elevator to floor 5 and search the hallways for free condoms. Move up one floor and continue searching. Continue this process until all condoms are seized.
With these tools, we at UTB are confident that you'll be able to score some rubbers. Good hunting!