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Satire  Published 10/17/17 5:18am

Kid Beats the System; Drinks Alone in His Room

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Public Domain, edited


It’s been tough-going for the party scene at Penn recently. Due to the newly energized and well-funded task force dedicated to “preventing sexual assault,” our reputation as Playboy’s 2014 Top Party School has been getting tarnished all over the place. Not only are super hip, cool gaming sessions being shut down by the Penn Police, but less exciting frat parties are also being regulated and shut down left and right! Even Halloweekend is in danger of ruin due to the administration’s scheduling of October 31st on a Tuesday. The brightest thinkers at this great university have been struggling to find a way around these new constraints.

Enter Paul Deacon (N ‘19) — the hero we didn’t know we needed, and don’t really need, but kind of want. Deacon had an idea last Friday after taking a midterm. He was feeling really burnt-out and wanted to let loose for the night, but he realized that any parties he went to were bound to get shut down or would require an ID to drink. “After that it just came to me,” Deacon told us. “The way to beat the system is to drink alone in my room!”

His solution is simple, clear, and can fit on a t-shirt. We’re 100% on board.

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