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Satire  Published 09/29/17 6:26pm

BREAKING: Police Shut Down Intense Off-Campus Yu-Gi-Oh Tournament

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Photo by GavinLi / CC BY-ND 2.0


Penn’s recent initiative to minimize off-campus social gatherings has undoubtedly been a ruthless endeavor, as they have shut down events ranging from the lactose-rich Mac & Phis event, to the pity party on 41st and Locust. However, perhaps no group has been hit harder than the participants of this week's Yu-Gi-Oh tournament on 41st and Pine.

Early Friday evening, police barged into the off-campus home of College Junior Matt Collins to find a raucous group of college students engaged in a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament for the ages. The police, stunned by this abhorrent display of joy and communal gathering, proceeded to shut down the event and order all of the players to head home immediately.

“I have to say I’m pretty bummed,” said Collins, who claimed to be winning at the time. “I was just about to unleash my Blue-Eyed White Dragon, right as these cops decided to show up. They literally came at the worst time.”

The Yu-Gi-Oh players were accused of breaking the new protocol for Yu-Gi-Oh matches set out by the task force. According to the Penn Police, the players did not have three University-appointed Yu-Gi-Oh referees, and their Flaming Cheetos were not served by a licensed Cheetos server.

When asked about the reason for the raid, Chief Police Officer Alex Goodwin responded, “There was a noise complaint. Or was it an alcohol complaint? No, noise makes more sense. Yeah, noise. We weren’t just walking around knocking on random doors. It was definitely the noise.”

This incident clearly sets a precedent, exemplifying the University’s zero-tolerance policy for reckless card games. It still remains unclear what the task force plans to do about the UNO matches occurring on 42nd and Spruce.

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