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Satire  Published 07/10/18 12:31pm

Intern From Ivy League University Holds Most Expensive Qualifications to Print and File Papers

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Photo from pxhere / CC0


Albert Liu (E '20) was excited to spend his summer finally putting his academic work to proper use. Liu, who studies Systems Engineering, Cognitive Science, and Theoretical Physics, spent a great deal of time and money on his classes, and was hopeful to see these efforts manifest in a meaningful internship.

Unfortunately for Liu, it appears his employers perceived his qualifications a bit differently. Originally planning to work on rocket launchers at NASA or new software at Google, Liu is instead working on a slightly less rewarding project - paper printing. 

"We don't just recruit anyone to do our printing and filing for us; Albert was the best fit for the job," stated Joseph Roberts, Liu's current boss. "If he didn't get an A+ in his Advanced Quantum Computing course, there's no way we would have hired him to do this critical work for our organization."

Though this internship had countless prerequisites and over 500 applicants of whom 1 intern was chosen, Liu claims that the work can be done by just about anybody. "Last week I was sick so I got my 5-year-old cousin to come in and do my work for me for a couple days. Honestly, I don't think anyone noticed." 

"I'm glad to see that my $70,000 per year tuition has really paid off," remarked Liu, as he utilized the in-depth knowledge from his highly quantitative coursework to load a new tray of paper into his office's Xerox printer. "Maybe one day, I can reload the toner in one of these bad boys." 

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