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Satire  Published 04/16/18 2:34pm

Fight Breaks out Between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Street Preachers on Top of the Button

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Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Last Tuesday, an apocalyptic battle between Jehovah’s Witnesses and the street preachers broke out on top of the button, resulting in the deaths of at least three squirrels who were killed in the crossfire. 

The Jehovah’s Witnesses, usually situated at street corners, such as 34th and Walnut and 40th and Walnut, were tired of being on the periphery of the religious harassment on Penn’s campus. As a peaceful group, they never thought of arguing with any of the preachers who rose early to secure the prime location for screaming at bystanders: just in front of the Button statue, the main thoroughfare of campus. The Jehovah's witnesses just want people to convert, or at least acknowledge their awkward presence on the sidewalk.

Instead of trying to fight with the street preachers, whose organization has no clear leader other than a cartoon of an aborted fetus, a group of six Jehovah’s Witnesses set up their rack of flyers beside the statue of Ben Franklin. At 10:30 a.m., as Locust Walk was bustling with students, the street preachers arrived, expecting their spot to be wide open. Instead, they saw the quiet figures standing by racks of fliers making nobody uncomfortable. This was absolutely unacceptable.

Soon, the preachers began to protest the Jehovah’s Witnesses instead of the sinful students. Frankie McGuire, who has been preaching on Locust for thirteen years, commented, “This is totally unacceptable. I feel discriminated against for my religion. America is no longer safe for Christians.” 

The preachers challenged the Jehovah’s Witnesses to a battle to see who really had the wrath of God on their side. Three of the Witnesses quietly headed over to the Button, but were immediately smashed over the head with the heavy signs used by the preachers to maintain their ripped biceps. Some of the Preachers missed, and squirrels scurrying past the sculpture were flattened. 

Though the Jehovah’s Witnesses didn’t fight back, the preachers believe God ordained their victory. Later, they stopped to celebrate outside of an abortion clinic, extremely proud of their civic achievements.

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