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Satire  Published 10/29/17 11:14am

Heartwarming! Penn Tells Vitriolic Preachers to Stay Away From Prospective Applicants

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Credit: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


If you somehow didn’t already have enough reasons to love Penn’s administration, you’ll love this: last Thursday, the Office of the President announced that, henceforth, the homophobic preachers who frequent College Green will no longer be allowed to harass prospective applicants.

Wow!

“For too long,” noted the press release, “we have stood silent as hateful men and women verbally assaulted innocent bystanders who might, at some point, spend their parents' precious savings on a Penn education.”

It’s nice to know that Penn is putting its foot down!

We talked to Sam S. Samson, a preacher who’ll have to abide by these new rules if he wants to retain his Cursing At Penn Students (CAPS) license.

“I feel attacked,” a visibly shaking Samson growled. “Ever since the Vice Provost for Religious Extremism got sacked, I feel like we’ve been fighting an uphill battle. Last year, they made us memorize the faces of every alumnus who’s ever donated over a hundred thousand dollars to the school. But how the heck are we supposed to know who’s going to apply to Penn?! What if I see a three-year-old with a soul just oozing sin? Am I supposed to not try and save them just because they MIGHT spend their tuition dollars here in a couple decades?”

Surprisingly, some current Penn students are not entirely exuberant about the policy change.

“Look, I really don’t care if some idiots with dollar store signs want to attack my clothing choices.” grumbled Jason Minfeld (C ’20). “But the fact that my visiting friend from high school gets off scot free? That’s just unfair. I mean, I’m a paying customer over here. If my skinny jeans mean that I’m going to burn with my fellow sodomites for all eternity, fine, but don’t you dare tell me that you’re somehow cool with my friend over here. Look at her John Lennon backpack, damnit.”

At press time, the administration noted that they were willing to loosen their ruling to just include potential dual degree applicants if the preachers agreed to also shame current students for not being interdisciplinary enough.

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