About

Satire  Published 02/16/18 8:07am

Juul: The Millennial Pacifier?

22426984144_e82e9c582f_o

Photo by Mica Dew / CC BY-SA 2.0


Juul: it’s the oral fixation that’s sweeping the nation, and now there’s evidence that it’s an even more juvenile habit than we thought.

Research by the Wistar Institute for Biomedical Research on campus has yielded these interesting results. Penn students are well-known for pushing themselves too hard during grade school and, as a result, becoming washed up stoners by the time they get to college. According to psychological metrics taken by Wistar during their study (n = 420), Juuling offers a dual-purpose emotional remedy to this condition.

Students who Juul can indulge their washed-uppedness by maintaining a constant, mild buzz throughout the day. Previously, this was achievable only through cigarettes, but now students can keep it up during class while simultaneously reverting to the mouth-centric bliss of childhood.

Many parents of Ivy Leaguers put pressure on their children to achieve academic success at early ages. In fact, in many Penn Juulers, reduced levels of the antibodies transmitted to babies through breast milk are found. Researchers hypothesize that these students were weaned early to begin SAT prep by age two, and the lack of oral stimulation provided by breastfeeding has caused these students, even beyond adolescence, to crave something to suck on at all times. For a while, these students made do with pacifiers, thumbs, lollipops, or fraternity brothers. But now, Juuling is the best way many students have found to cope with their oral fixations and literally and figuratively blow off steam. 

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.