Satire  Published 02/01/18 1:46pm

President Trump Shocked by 'First Penn Alum' Accused of Sexual Misconduct


Photos (with edits) by Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA 2.0 and Anna Callahan / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Adding on to a deplorable line of powerful and wealthy men, Penn Board of Trustees member Stephen Wynn was accused of sexual misconduct by dozens of women last week. Though the sheer quantity of similar allegations has made each one less surprising for many Americans, some people with ties to the University of Pennsylvania found the Wynn allegations particularly reprehensible. In fact, earlier today, the Board announced that they would be revoking Wynn's honorary degree and renaming Wynn Commons.

And now, President Trump (who supposedly attended Penn) has publicly spoken out about his shock.

“I just can’t believe that someone who was educated at the University of Pennsylvania could be accused of sexual misconduct! I, like everyone else, assumed that no one who graduated from Penn could be that stupid,” Trump stated.

And yet, according to our President, an alumnus from the University of Pennsylvania was accused of sexual misconduct for the first time ever in the history of the school. This completely new and entirely unprecedented type of scandal has shocked many Penn students to their very core. We really can't emphasize enough how incredibly novel this is, as no one who has ever even stepped foot on Penn's campus, or even in Philadelphia, has ever been accused of sexual assault or openly bragged about it on tape. I mean, can you imagine?

According to a very reliable source, President Trump has continued to express his disbelief at Wynn’s accusations.

“To be perfectly frank, it’s an embarrassment to the school. I mean, Penn is an IVY LEAGUE school! I’m just glad that no one from my alma mater, Wharton University, has ever been accused of sexual misconduct. At least some things remain sacred,” he said.

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