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Satire  Published 12/05/17 12:56am

5 Subtle Ways to Let Your Hot Professor Know You're a Sapiosexual

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain (Cropped)


Sometimes, you just cant help it: you're supposed to be engaged in the class material, or otherwise keeping detailed records of it, but your mind wanders off to a fantasy of you and your professor walking hand in hand into a mom-and-pop bookstore, or a large academic conference. Let's just face it. Your professor is hot.

"But I'm just a student," you think, "they'll never fall for me!" Well, young pupil, that's where you're wrong. If you were really smart enough for the Ivy League, you'd know that the fastest way to a professor's heart is through their gigantic brain. All you need to do is convince your professor that you're a tried-and-true sapiosexual (or for those untutored readers, someone attracted to intelligence). With these 5 tips, you'll lock down some "extra credit" in no time.

1. Slide into their Canvas DMs

This one's a no-brainer, smart guy. Canvas is the perfect medium to hit up your scholarly sweetheart for the first time and strike up a conversation. "Hey Professor, what was the homework for tonight? Also, do you like white wine and Thai food? Just wondering. Thanks in advance." 

2. Show, don't tell, your Oedipus Complex

Chances are there's a bit of an age gap between you and your brainy bae. If that's the case, you'll want your professor to know you've got the hots not just for smart people, but for smart people old enough to be your father. A melange of George Clooney, Denzel Washington, and Joe Biden laptop stickers, for example, will send a clear but tasteful message. It'll visually remind him that an 18-year age difference will seem so small when you're celebrating your 30th anniversary.

3. Never miss office hours

Office hours is the best way to make face time with your hot prof and show them that you really care—about the scholarship in their disciplinary field, that is. Get in there, tiger, and nod your head a lot. Show them that you'd be hard pressed to find something more titillating than the sweet sounds of academia.

4. Take advantage of written assignments

Wear your heart on your sleeve and on your term paper, you spicy savant. Writing is a craft, and a good craftsman can weave their truest feelings into a kickass scholarly essay-love letter hybrid. And don't forget to cite... your heart. 

5. Slip a sick meme into the class listserv

You don't need an advanced degree to know that memes are the universal language of both love and intellect.

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