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Satire  Published 12/11/17 11:33am

Student From California Spotted Snorting Snow in the Quad

fieldwithsnowchampenneige

Photo from Wikimedia Commons // CC0


Jerome Mordan (C '21) had never seen snow until this weekend. The SoCal native, who constantly complains about the cold and lets his friends know that all things are better in Cali, was shocked to see white material all over the ground in the Quad on Sunday. Mordan had also never seen cocaine in real life.

Mordan, visibly inebriated after partying the entire night on Saturday, did the only thing that made sense to him. He snorted the snow, as it resembled the cocaine that he had seen in movies and heard people talking about in the bathroom just a few hours earlier.

Some Quad residents were shocked by the event, and they couldn’t resist wondering what was wrong with Mordan.

“I was walking when I saw him in the act, and I asked myself ‘Did he really just snort the snow?’” Taylor Hall (C '21) said, holding back laughter. "I'm pretty sure you can drown that way."

A few of Mordan's peers thought he might be onto something.

“I was deciding whether I should intervene, but then I just had an urge to join him. They call it snow for a reason!” Dan Thames (W '21) told us. "Worst case scenario was that I'd have a cold nose."

UTB consulted a number of highly-respected scientists, who determined that the high they achieved is known colloquially as "brain freeze" (cold-stimulus headache, for the scholars out there).

Now that Mordan knows that snow is NOT cocaine, he promises that he won’t try to snort it. However, knowing Mordan, it’s only a matter of time before he does this—or something equally stupid—again.

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