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Satire  Published 11/13/17 2:57am

Oh God Please No: Penn Announces Plans to Extend Locust Walk Wind Tunnel from 34th to 41st

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Photo: File Photo


Sweet Jesus. It seems that in Penn’s construction boom, including the New College House, they have decided to to extend the notorious Locust Walk Wind Tunnel that currently exists from the 38th Street Bridge to 40th Street by six blocks.

The Wind Tunnel, which currently drops the temperature between 10 and 25 degrees depending on wind conditions, will now be lengthened from one end of campus to the other.

“This is truly one of the worst things that could have happened. I literally cannot emphasize enough how much this negatively affects me,” says Jane Seamoor. (C ‘21). "At this point I might as well just transfer. There's nothing left for me here.”

We couldn’t agree more.

When asked for the reason for this terrible, expensive project, the Penn administration said in an emailed statement, “Stop making fun of Amy Gutmann. Stop asking for us to divest. Stop asking for us to give you guys a fair deal on meal swipes. If the Penn student body keeps rebelling against our direction, we will extend the Wind Tunnel by another block each week. Try us.”

Touchè, Penn. Touchè.

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