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Satire  Published 11/08/17 1:27pm

Penn inTouch Hacked by Quaker Nationalist Group

quaker

Screenshot (edited by Elizabeth Beugg) 


Just yesterday, Penn inTouch suffered a major security breach. Tired of Penn’s continued exploitation, a Quaker nationalist group took matters into their own hands, hacking into the servers of Penn’s information platform to wreak havoc on a number of unsuspecting students.

College Freshman Rob Hardy was one of many to feel the effects of the hack. “I was in the middle of making mock schedules when my computer went dark. Then, all of a sudden, that guy from the oatmeal box, you know the one, started flashing on my screen,” recounted Hardy. “I have self-diagnosed epilepsy, so that really wasn’t cool.”

When Hardy restarted his computer, he faced a grim reality. “All 56 of my mock schedules were gone. The one for my Pre-Med track, the one for my Pre-Law track, the one for my Wharton-transfer track --- all gone. Worst of all, they enrolled me in “The Psychology of Personal Growth.” Forcing me to waste time on self-reflection when I could be throwing myself blindly down a path that may or may not lead to self fulfillment? Now that’s just hostile,” said Hardy.

Wharton Senior Alex Carson was also affected by the group’s actions. “They removed my status as a senior. My grade level description now reads 'We are all equals here.’ Instead of my expected graduation date, it just says ‘Whenever you are ready,’” explained Carson.

“I guess it could be a cyber security issue, but if I’m being honest my password was pretty easy to guess,” said Margo Sachs (C ‘18). “I just never thought anyone would care what classes I registered for. My advisor won’t even answer my emails.”

The most shocking thing to come from all of this? “Penn inTouch wouldn’t quit no matter how long I navigated away from the page,” said Sachs. “Now that’s persistence.” 

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