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Satire  Published 11/14/17 12:34am

Meal Swipe/Dining Dollar Exchange Rate Plummets to All Time Low, NASDAQ in Free Fall

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Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Panic reigned supreme on the floors of the New York Stock Exchange when Penn reported that the exchange rate between Meal Swipes and Dining Dollars (MSDD) would be fixed at a historically low $4.87 for Q3 2017.

“I’m ruined” sobbed Julia Su (W ’11), a recent graduate and former owner of a small fortune in meal swipes. “I thought I was so smart; while all my friends were spending their money on Canada Goose stocks, I decided to play it safe and put all my money into something that felt nice and stable. But now it’s all gone…”

The shocking devaluation quickly rippled throughout the stock market.

“I’d forgotten just how much I’d spent on swipes back in the day,” commented a visibly perspiring, elderly trader. "A lot of wealth just left the economy, and I’m gonna have to sell a lot of stock if I want to stay above water.”

Mrs. Adena Friedman, president of NASDAQ, issued a sobering statement last afternoon.

“While once considered a candidate for the world’s reserve currency, we no longer recommend meal swipes as a safe, long term investment.”

In other news, the office of the President announced that recent stock dealings had miraculously yielded exactly enough revenue to fund New College House West.

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