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Satire  Published 03/19/17 2:56pm

You Aren't Cool Now Unless Your Parents Bought Shares of Canada Goose

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Photo: Qirille / Wikimedia Commons


On Thursday, March 16th, two of Penn's most stereotypical interests came together in beautiful union. Canada Goose, the beloved-if-unethical brand of expensive cold weather apparel, had its initial public offering (IPO), creating a mixture of luxury jackets and finance that no self-respecting Penn student should ignore.

According to this CNBC article, which lists many of the prices in CAD (an inferior knockoff of USD), the shares were priced at $12.78 USD initially but closed the day at a value slightly higher than $16 USD. That's a a 25% gain. We checked with someone in Wharton, who confirmed that this was a "good" IPO. 

Sadly, this IPO isn't all good news. Until now, Canada Goose jackets have been status symbols, powerful indicators of class on campus. Owning a Canada Goose at Penn has long meant wealth, taste, and a clear willingness to overlook the questionable ethicality of the treatment of the animals used in their products. No longer. Now, merely owning a Canada Goose isn't enough.

"We used to hang out with Amanda* a lot," an anonymous member of an on-campus sorority told us. "The girls and I loved walking around in our Canada Goose jackets and talking about our spring break plans literally all year. But after the Canada Goose IPO, Amanda's dad didn't buy any shares. What is she, poor?"

Amanda, a junior in the College whose name has been changed to protect her, told us how hurt and surprised she was by this new measurement of social status. "It's like they forgot that I have two Canada Goose jackets and a Moncler. My parents just don't feel comfortable investing in shares of luxury goods companies," she told us. "I've asked them to buy shares, but we'll see. I really hope my friends and I figure things out by the time next Spring Break comes around. We were just starting to plan for next year!"

Not surprisingly, Amanda is far from the only one affected by this development. Dozens of students have complained about their expensive jackets not buying them the respect that they used to. Others, however, think this change isn't necessarily bad. 

"I mean, the Canada Goose thing was always just about how much money your parents have," Wharton sophomore Jake Toyado said. "At least now it's about having an actual financial stake in the company. That seems like a more direct way to do it, I guess. It's all dumb anyway." Dumb? Hardly. We're guessing Jake doesn't even have a Canada Goose.

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