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Satire  Published 11/04/17 3:39pm

"GPA is Just a Number" Notes Student With 3.9 GPA, Multiple Offers

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Photo from Flickr // CC2.0


Hannah Poller (C ’18) hates seeing her friends stressed.

“I know that everyone has a bunch of stuff on their minds this time of year,” she told us, “but I really think everyone’s getting way too worried about grades and jobs and stuff. Like come on people, there’s more to life than this.”

While she sports a 3.9 GPA and a series of lucrative offers from multiple prestigious tech companies, she firmly denies that they really mean anything to her.

“You know, I’m really glad she calmed me down,” noted her academically struggling friend Bobby Hughes (W ’18). “I was concerned about having to live out of my parents’ basement after graduation. But after she told me that GPA was just a number, I felt this sudden sense of overwhelming tranquility. We all need a Hannah in our lives.”

Poller's roommate, on the other hand, isn’t quite so enthralled with her outlook.

“Look,” her roommate told us, “I’ve known this girl since freshman year. You have no idea how many times she woke me up with her panic attacks about whether she should apply to Google first and then get a Comp Sci PhD, or do the reverse after getting a Law degree, or just forget about all of it and settle for a Harvard MD PhD. I’m not sure what changed.”

When we asked Poller about this, she gave us a breezy laugh and waved off the accusation: “There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious, right? I’ve just got my priorities straight.”

Poller was unavailable for further comments, as she was reportedly found sobbing on the Button after a Writing Seminar brought her A+ to A ratio down to 0.62.

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