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Satire  Published 11/10/17 10:00am

Checked-Out Senior Openly Shoots up Heroin in Writing Seminar

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Photo By D. Sharon Pruitt / CC BY-SA 2.0


College senior Jeremy Stein is no normal slouch. No, this senior doesn't just doze off like your typical checked-out fourth-year would while his Writing Seminar professor explains (for the fifth time) the correct sequence of a mid-semester portfolio—instead, he spends class time injecting heroin into his arm, and has been for the past three weeks.

“At first he would just hit on all the freshman,” said Ron Higgins, his professor for WRIT 300: Squids, Snails, and Other Squishy Things: Soft Animals in Literature. "But, when that clearly wasn’t working out, he started to arrive to class a little high and nap through. One thing led to another and—oh, geez. There he goes again,” Ron said, pointing to Jeremy, who was beginning to tie a tourniquet around his forearm.

“Anyway,” said Ron, refocusing. "I really can't help it if a senior is a little checked out, and—wow, that’s a much more secure tourniquet than he's had in the past. He used his belt last week.”

Indeed, other students have had to simply try their best to ignore Jeremy as he silently slips into a heroin-induced passive state during the hour-long lecture. “You can’t blame him,” said one sophomore. “I would do it too if I had a job already and had to take this class. You just have to nudge him off of your shoulder when he falls asleep on you."

"It's a little disruptive at times," said a freshman in the class. "He leaves his used needles everywhere and its just like, clean up after yourself, you know? We're all here too."

When asked for comment, Jeremy just responded with a groan. 

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