Satire  Published 11/05/17 10:08am

Graphic Design Student Makes Asymmetric Mock Schedule, Kicked Out of Major


Photo by Sophie Trotto / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Gordon Bolton (E ‘19) always thought that Graphic Design was his passion. He came to Penn with his heart set on the elite Digital Media Design program, and over his first two years distinguished himself as one of its most brilliant students.

And then everything changed.

We interviewed a sobbing Bolton last Wednesday to figure out why this promising young man’s dream had been so abruptly cut short.

“It... It was an accident,” he blubbered to us, “I was just playing around on PennInTouch. I didn’t think something like this would actually happen.”

Gordon told us how he’d been making mock schedules when he made the fatal mistake of constructing one that failed to be symmetric or aesthetically pleasing in any way.

“It was just awful to look at,” growled DMD program administrator Julia Summers. "He had this terribly gauche purple blob in the bottom right corner that just stuck out like a sore thumb. And don’t even get me started about the flagrant disregard of Arethusa’s Guide for the Placement of Whitespace. Just who exactly does this kid think he is?”

Bolton wailed, “It’s not my fault that the class I need for submatriculation is only offered in the springs of odd numbered years divisible by 5, 19, or 543.” After blowing his nose, he continues, “It was either make this schedule or not get my degree in time.”

Well, it seems like you won’t have to worry about that decision anymore, Gordon. Within minutes of his blunder, Gordon was notified that the Fine Arts department had placed a restraining order on him and that he would no longer be permitted to pursue a degree in Design.

At press time, starstruck Penn administrators offered Gordon a position to help design PennInTouch’s replacement.

“When we heard about this kid,” they told us, “we knew we had finally found the guy to ruin the new website. It’s sort of a Penn tradition, you know?”

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