Satire  Published 10/09/17 3:26am

Awesome: This Senior Just Nailed His Interview With the Church of Scientology


Photo by 드림포유 / CC BY-ND 2.0

With OCR season upon us, most students are frantically preparing for interviews and coffee chats in hopes of landing their dream internship. Things were looking grim for Wharton senior Sam Kaufman as he finished OCR without a single offer. Then, he saw the light.

“Turns out, the Church of Scientology is always recruiting,” said Kaufman.

“I was kind of nervous going in because I had heard mixed reviews from past applicants and local government officials,” noted Kaufman, “But then I went to their info session, and they offered me a free personality test that said I’m just like Tom Cruise. With that in mind, I had the confidence to go in there and really ace my interview.”

Kaufman was especially impressed by the united front the recruiters put forth during the interview. “They were all wearing the same outfit and gave the same answers word for word no matter who I asked - I could tell they really had it together.” Kaufman was also enticed by the organization’s roots. “It’s pretty rare to find a company founded by aliens these days.”

What he’s most excited for? The room for growth. “I guess it will probably start as an unpaid internship since they kept patting me down and looking for wires any time I tried to discuss something money-related,” said Kaufman. “They did offer some impressive tax deductions, though, so it'll be worth it in the end.”

Kaufman acknowledged that while this path is unconventional, the Church of Scientology is a multi-million dollar corporate entity above all else. “Yes, it’s not a top 3 consulting firm, and yes, I signed a legal document pledging my soul to my new boss, but what do I have to lose?” said Kaufman, “Worst comes to worst I’ll intern with the Illuminati next fall.”

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.