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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:00am

Student Doesn't Match With TA on Tinder, Has to Actually Work for Passing Grade

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Photo by Ahmed Aqtai / CC0


Jake Rogers (C '21) hates PSYC 001.

"This class is the bane of my existence," grumbled Rogers as he pored over his notes pre-midterm. "It's all memorization anyway, and it's just so boring." 

Rogers, in a last-ditch effort to breeze through the course with minimal effort, had previously attempted to match with his TA on Tinder in hopes that she would allow a burgeoning affair to interfere with her professional life.

Unfortunately, it appears his advances had been rejected: after an ambitious right-swipe on his end, he waited anxiously for nearly two weeks for a notification indicating that they had, in fact, matched.

"At first, I thought she just hadn't checked the app in a while or something. But then she popped up on my friend's feed and her bio was totally different than it was when I swiped right on her. What's up with that?" Rogers asked, clearly frustrated.

Rogers had hoped that the various photos of him holding items ranging from fish ("I love fishing," his bio reads) to a can of Natural Light ("and cracking open cold ones with the boys," his bio continues in a reference to the popular meme format) would entice his TA to abandon all academic integrity and give him an automatic A for the semester.

"I don't get it. Who wouldn't swipe right on me? I'm a catch," he huffed as he showed us the third photo in a row of himself holding a fish. "Get it?" he asked, chuckling, as he pointed at the fish. "A catch." His expression turned somber, though, as he remembered that he now had to actually study for his midterm the next day. He hadn't begun.

Rogers hasn't given up, though. He can be found in Pottruck during his psych recitations "tryna get swole" before he makes his next moves. 

"I'm sure I'll match with her on Bumble before the final," he grunted confidently in between sets of 5-lb bicep curls.

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