About

Under The Button, Penn's humor and satire blog.

Penn, unbuttoned.

 Published 04/18/17 2:01pm

To Get Ready for Fling, This Freshman Hasn't Left Pottruck in Three Days

52106_pottruckf

/ DP File Photo


At Penn, we often praise Fling as a time where we get to blow off some steam before the stress of finals overwhelms all other aspects of our lives: but we often don’t fully acknowledge the destructive behaviors that this event breeds.

When Keith Owens (C ’20) purchased his first fling tank he didn’t know that he was making a life-altering decision. “When that first google poll came out asking us what design we thought was the best, I knew I couldn’t say no to the genius that is 'My Fling is Bad and Boujee.' I mean c’mon, that song is almost as fun and as chill as Caroline!"

Sadly, what started off as an incredibly clever fling tank grew into a soul-crushing problem. “When the bros asked me if I was hitting the gym, I would laugh and brush it off, but honestly I’ve been living a lie.” The shocking truth was, Owens didn’t even lift.

With a week until Fling and his soft, doughy body totally unprepared for darty szn he realized that something needed to change. After scarfing down a bacon egg and cheese from Lyn’s and grabbing four Diet Cokes from Wawa, he set out to find the perfect workout regime. “I hoped on the web and ordered these supplements straight from Russia-- tell me they didn't work for Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

As of the time of this reporting, Owens can both bench press the bar and sort of do a pull up when he gets a running start. Nevertheless, he’s still confident he can get fit by the weekend. “I’ve been doing curls for the last 25 minutes and I can definitely see my arms getting a bigger.”

Currently, Owens can be found the second floor of Pottruck, grunting loudly and chugging muscle milk.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.