Satire  Published 10/02/17 12:17am

SEC Launches Investigation to Crack Down on Off-Campus Business Frats


Photo By U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission / Public Domain

As many on campus complain about event observers ruining the university experience, the situation has deteriorated. Now, a federal task force has dropped a heavy hammer on the Penn community.

In a shocking discovery made by the Securities and Exchange Commission that reinforces a damning trend in off-campus Greek life, it has been revealed that off-campus business fraternities are committing a variety of financial crimes that are endangering the wellbeing of all Penn students. 

“Our inquiries have revealed that these fraternities are exhibiting a sickening disregard for the regulations that are the backbone of our economic system, even though we were really impressed by their LinkedIn profiles,” reads the press statement released by the SEC on Monday morning.

Their crimes include selling reserved Huntsman GSRs for profit, establishing a pyramid scheme that sells references for bulge bracket internship applications, forcing new pledges to defraud freshmen with counterfeit dining dollars and making Steve chug beers even though he's allergic to gluten.

“Whether I’m just trying to unwind after a stressful week studying at the University of Pennsylvania or attempting to launder money through a fake fundraiser, I’m tired of authority figures policing what I do in my private life,” said an anonymous member of one of the fraternities in question.

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