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Satire  Published 10/02/17 3:09pm

Homophobic College Green Preacher Named Trump's New Secretary of Health and Human Services

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Photo: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


After the ouster of controversial Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price, the Trump administration has announced his replacement: the homophobic man who vulgarly protests on College Green.

“After the scandal and removal of Secretary Price following his $500,000 worth of taxpayer-funded private travel, the president sought to rejuvenate the DHS with a person that is in line with the values, style and substance of the administration," according to a White House staffer who agreed to speak with UTB under the condition of anonymity. “He feels that a fundamentalist who chants slurs at women and homosexuals, lacking any formal health expertise, does exactly that.”

The College Green Preacher, who one-to-three times a week stands on College Green and shouts slurs at women and LGBT students, believes drug use is a path to damnation, and generally antagonizes and frightens passerby, has the approach that President Trump is seeking in the person to run the 80,000-employee department. “He sees a lot of himself in him,” said the staffer. “Sometimes he takes the words right out of the president’s mouth.”

The College Green Preacher, who has been a hostile and unwelcome presence on Penn’s campus for the past few years, only recently came to the attention of the president through their mutual connection with Penn. 

“The University refuses to acknowledge of our associations with it and only begrudgingly allows us to visit campus,” Trump reportedly told staffers. “That’s the sign of a real winner.” According to sources, the president is also drawn to the preacher's brightly colored signs, large fonts, and poor grammar.

In a prepared statement, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced that the president “believes the Homophobic College Green Preacher represents the values of the administration: incoherence, bigotry, and yelling.”

“And he’s got all caps on his signs,” added Sanders. “President Trump loves that.”

The College Green Preacher could not be reached for comment, but we can only assume that any comment would be truly horrendous. 

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