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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:10am

OP-ED by Joe Biden | Thanks for the Building, Nerds, But I Don't Care About Any of You

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Photo by Adam Fagen / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0


As some of you may have heard, I was recently asked by Penn to head the Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement. That's right, the Biden Center. As I understand that many of you frequent this shitstain of a satire website, I decided to submit a letter to the editor to disseminate to you a very simple idea. I will say this once and only once:

If you see me, Joe Biden, on or around your campus, shut up, turn around, and keep fucking walking. I don't care about you.

Yes, you. Reading this right now. Back off, nerd.

A little surprised that ol’ Amtrak Joe doesn’t enjoy your snot-drenched cell phone camera in his face 24/7? Don’t be, you entitled shit. I realize that because I'm now obligated to take selfies on Locust and mumble through a powerpoint once a year there’s this misperception that I like being here or that I like any of you. But let me be crystal clear: I do not give a flying fuck about you. I've had the head of the CIA debrief me daily on the most fucked up, wicked shit you could possibly imagine for two presidential terms. You’re barely breaching puberty. I appreciate the building with my name on it (that I assure you I will not enter but three times a decade), but there is literally nothing, nothing, you could do or say to me that could add value to my life. So if you see me doing big boy things, take a hike, dweeb.

"But he seemed so nice when I met him," you might be saying. "He said my dog was cute." Look, Rachel, or Ben, or whatever your goddam name is, I was Vice-President of the United States. I am a goddam political machine and have been for 35 years. The smile, the avuncular teasing—it's all fake, you idiot. You think you'd make it a week in the Senate by listening to every acne-ridden teenager's autobiography? I'm here for me, myself, and I only, and I could use some goddam silence as I eat. 

Look, I understand the root of this miscommunication. I know I’m your guys’ “thing” now, and you think I’m like your mascot or something because I showed up to your garbage fire of a campus for 6 hours on the way to a campaign stop. But let’s get it straight right here and right now, students of the University of Pennsylvania: I don’t, nor will I ever, give a microscopic fuck about any of you. I was the 2nd most powerful man in the world when you guys were still day-dreaming about getting to 2nd base. You are not on my level. This is not hate. I feel nothing towards you. And this isn't because I didn't get into those stupid clubs. You're all just annoying.

And let me once again, before I go, emphasize how much I truly do not care about any of you or or your lives. I don’t remember your names or faces, I don’t care about your grandma or your ugly dog. You are all interchangeable millennial cogs who vote at a 20% tic, so if you see me on this godforsaken, 1975 bad acid trip of a campus, please let me eat my goddam lunch in peace. If one of you turds manages to wrangle up 20,000 big ones for Uncle Joe’s Super PAC, then take a seat. But until then, don’t fucking breath on me.

Phew. Great. Glad we cleared the air here. Now get lost. If you absolutely need me, I’ll be at Penn State getting hammered with actual cool kids.

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