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Satire  Published 10/20/17 5:24am

Damn! This International Just Got Deported for Not Complying with SHS’s Immunization Requirements


The fall can be a tough time for freshmen and upperclassman alike, thanks to the pressures of new classes and competitive club applications. It is especially a time of worry for those who have not complied with the Student Health Service’s (SHS) immunization requirements—those who do not comply by mid-October have their registrations put on hold.

Or worse yet, get deported.

That was the fate of senior Arjun Gupta (W ’18), who was told earlier today that he would not be allowed back to the United States.

Gupta was allegedly missing vaccinations for pertussis, meningitis, mononucleosis, and the common bubonic plague. Yet, unlike students who avoid shots due to health or metaphysical concerns, including believing that vaccinations truly do cause horrific, flesh-eating side effects, Gupta claims he actually had them.

“I literally got every single one of those stupid shots. I sent my records to SHS and they replied with some automated message, telling me that I got the shots an hour too early and that I was a worthless human being,” Gupta complained.

After disputing SHS for weeks, Gupta decided to make a last-minute bid. He called SHS and was put on hold for eight hours, before being told that the next available appointment was in two-and-a-half years—just two years after he graduates.

After Gupta rejected this supposedly “reasonable” offer, SHS promptly had his immigration status revoked and he was sent back to Canada, a socialist utopia where diseases do not exist.

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