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Satire  Published 09/03/17 2:02pm

MERT Treats Freshman Who Aced Thrive at Penn

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Screenshot, edited, from TAP website


When Jason Hughes (C’21) was accepted to Playboy’s #1 party school of 2014, he knew he that he had a lot of expectations to live up to. The opportunities seemed endless, and after totally reinventing himself over the summer Jason was sure that he’d be at the top of the social ladder in no time. But one thing stood between him and and an incredibly lit freshman year: Thrive at Penn.

On the surface, TAP is marketed as an online program to assist students with their Penn experience and help them make healthy choices. Nevertheless, Jason saw it for what it really was, an attempt made by the administration to turn him back into a lame nerd.

Jason already had plenty of experience vaping with his high school friends and sneaking drinks from his parents’ liquor cabinet. Over the summer he’d learned a lot about molly and percocet, so TAP’s advice on handling drug abuse seemed pretty redundant in the grand scheme of things.

He easily scored a 100% on all of the TAP modules after only 15 or so attempts. He was shocked that suckers were wasting their time actually watching the videos. "I can't believe kids out there don't know that a shot is just a one Mississippi pour," he told us, some 24 hours after getting his stomach pumped.

But as Icarus flew too close to the sun, so too did Jason on Saturday night. After effortlessly getting past the doorman Jason realized that he'd already made one massive mistake, leaving his graduated cylinder at home. With no way to accurately measure his drinks Jason was at the mercy of frat bros unaware of his unblemished TAP record.

Jason's next faux pas would be his last one of the evening. When the bartender offered him a cup of jungle juice he confused it for a 5 oz cup of wine, which he knew was the correct serving size thanks to TAP. After chugging the cup and talking to the bartender about the "oaky," "new world" flavors he was picking up, events got very hazy for Jason. "I remember elevated surfaces, running across a couple lanes of traffic and trying to eat a pizza with no hands, so all in all it was a success."

Sadly, Jason's night ended in the back of an ambulance being restrained by several members of MERT. In retrospect, he probably shouldn't have been basing his behavior on the one TAP video that probably isn't endorsed by the Office of Alcohol & Other Drugs.

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