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Satire  Published 08/07/17 2:43pm

Lame Incoming Freshman Ready to "Totally Reinvent" Himself

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Photo by Roman Boed / CC 2.0


For some, the first days of college mark an uncomfortable time for students to reconcile their own identities with a dramatic change of settings. For incoming freshman Chris Richards, however, it’s an opportunity to completely change his personality to become the stud he always wanted to be.

“Ever since I was a kid, I was seen as the weird nerd,” said Richards. “All I did was study and stuff, so no one thought I was cool. That time is over.”

Now that Richards is starting a new life away from home, he says he can completely reinvent himself. “Everyone around me will also be weird nerds,” said Richards. “So if I try hard enough, I can be comparatively cooler than everyone else.”

For the past 6 months, Richards has been aggressively studying topics like hookup culture, drinking, and what a “keg-stand” is. Reports indicate that the insane rebel is also considering rushing a frat, to be surrounded by other very cool kids who, like Richards, insist that they kissed more than one girl before getting to college.

Before NSO starts, Richards is perfecting his ability to shotgun a beer in under two hours, and is practicing beer pong by himself in his basement every day. “It’s all in the wrist,” exclaimed the soon-to-be partygoer, moments before missing a cup. “I’m planning to shoot 23 vodkas at a frat party. When I’m done that, I might even be intoxicated!”

Despite never having gone to a party in his life, Richards is excited to finally be the cool, extroverted alcoholic he always knew he could be.

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