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Satire  Published 09/12/17 4:45pm

Police Shut Down Pity Party on 41st & Locust

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Due to a new task force that has been diverting money away from the Locust Brick lawsuit, the Penn Police have been shutting down parties earlier and more frequently than ever before. As the administration pushes the campus away from our coveted title as Playboy’s Number One Party School in 2014, frats are getting more creative about keeping their parties on the DL.

Unfortunately, not everyone got the memo about the party police. Last Friday, Penn Police shut down a party on 41st and Locust before 8:00 pm for “rowdy students, possible alcohol, and loud music.” But what seemed like a crazy rager was actually a pity party, hosted by Engineering junior Sonya Galapagos.

“Me and my friends were blasting Taylor Swift’s ‘Never Grow Up’ and taking turns complaining about stuff when someone started knocking on the door and yelling something. My friend yelled at them to leave us alone while we're busy crying, but they kept knocking so eventually we opened the door,” Galapagos told us.

After determining that the party contained no alcohol, the Penn Police let Galapagos off with a warning, told her to turn down the music, and reminded her that wallowing in her own misery would do her no good.

“It was a real disturbance to the neighborhood, but it was mostly just really sad,” said one officer, whose name we failed to write down. UTB is at least happy to report that one of President Gutmann’s task forces is finally getting the job done!

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