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Satire  Published 09/24/17 12:19pm

Heartbreaking: Professional Bartender Serving Cheap Beer at Registered Parties

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Photo by Kasra Khadem / Public Domain


It is no secret that many people have been impacted by Penn’s new task force and its stringent policies. Countless students have complained about the rules regarding alcoholic substances, and the mandatory use of bartenders and campus-sponsored staff at all parties. But perhaps no person has been hit harder than Charles Reynolds.

Reynolds has spent 50 years of his life perfecting his bartending skills. Trained at the prestigious European Bartending School of Berlin, Reynolds has worked as a bartender in Michelin-starred restaurants across the world. Now, however, his career has hit an impasse; as he has been chosen as a Penn-approved bartender to work various registered events.

“This is honestly ridiculous,” said Reynolds. “I’ve spent my entire life crafting complex, elegant drinks, and now the only thing I serve is Natty Lite. I didn’t go to bartending school for this shit.”

A spokesperson from the Off-Campus Task Force disagrees with Reynolds, and says that his job is in fact quite necessary. “At many parties, students can just go and grab any alcohol they want,” said the spokesperson. “But now, getting alcohol requires having a conversation with Charles, and obviously no one will want to do that, because he's old.”

Aiming to make off-campus events more safe and enjoyable, the Task Force has also mandated that any student wishing to shotgun their beer must get Charles to poke a reasonable hole in the can, so that it can be consumed slowly and precisely, in a safe manner.

We wish the best for Reynolds as he perseveres through this depressing chapter of his career. If he’s lucky, he'll receive a promotion to bartend at a state school with better parties.

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