Satire  Published 09/21/17 6:43pm

Here Are the New University Guidelines on Social Events


Credit: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn's administration recently unveiled its new set of guidelines for social events, in the wake of heavy criticism regarding events being shut down. The guidelines are reproduced in full below. 

1. All student groups must register any event they are holding, thinking about holding, or have ever held.

2. Registrations must be submitted at least four years prior to the event.

3. Hosts have to pay for a University-approved bartender ($59 an hour), a team of 8 (eight) University-approved, heavily armed private military contractors with extensive combat experience ($400 an hour, each, plus ammunition), and a University-approved DJ ($95 an hour) playing University-approved, royalty-free bangers. 

4. Hard liquor is only allowed at parties that Dean Furda is invited to.

5. No more than 2 (two) types of hard licorice can be stocked at the bar, although we're pretty sure there are only two types of licorice anyway: the red kind, and the black kind. 

6. No shots may be administered at parties. Go to a doctor's office if you need vaccinations.

7. Each of-age guest is allowed 4 (four) drinks now, or 6 (six) drinks a year from today. Which will you pick?

8. Event observers will come in and out every 10 minutes to make sure no one is drinking, dancing too close to one another, or doing anything else that might be disallowed at a junior prom

9. The event observer is Kyle's mom, and he feels really uncomfortable about it.

Ed note: the University has clarified that "party" is synonymous with "event," which is defined as "any occasion involving one or more entities." 

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