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Satire  Published 09/15/17 2:40pm

Event Observer: "This Party Sucks, 2/10"

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Photo from PublicDomainPictures.net / CC0


When Charlie Milligan was enlisted by VPUL to keep a careful eye on the nightlife at campus, he was ecstatic to finally put his refined judgement of event quality to use. Last night, that judgement fell without mercy on a unidentified party hosted off-campus. “It was…pitiful,” Milligan sighed.

This year, Penn made a switch from the omnipotent, scarily-named “alcohol monitors” to the friendly, vaguely-named “event observer,” a change intended to imply something deeper than just semantic differences (probably). Some former alcohol monitors viewed the name change as entailing a significant shift in responsibility.

“As I walked by the house, I could hear—faintly—the song ‘Closer’ by The Chainsmokers, and immediately checked my watch to make sure I wasn’t in 2016,” Milligan recounted. “After ‘Closer’ they played ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It.’ That’s when I knew I had to do something.”

Milligan says the door was ajar, probably because the hosts were so desperate for attendees they would even let a mosquito in. Upon entry, the scene as worse than expected.

“Man, did this party suck,” Milligan sighed again. He described a mostly-empty living room, furniture unmoved, a small guitar amplifier on the floor plugged into a 2010 iPod classic. Of the seven attendees, two were under 21—and boy, were their drinks disgusting. "Gin and coke? Who raided their parents' liquor cabinet?"

Milligan spoke to the hosts and alerted them that he would be reporting the party to the University, as it could damage Penn's reputation as the Social Ivy. "I told them, 'Who would apply after seeing this? It's a 2 from me.'" 

The University has yet to explicitly deny that event observers are tasked with evaluating the entertainment value of social events, so Milligan will continue to judge parties until told otherwise. However, his days at Penn may be numbered. "If I get to the end of month without seeing a single live tiger," he warned, "I'm going to Princeton."

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