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Satire  Published 09/02/17 12:09pm

Class of 2021 Shatters Record for Most Virginities Preserved During NSO

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Photo from Pixabay / Public Domain


Every undergraduate class at Penn has something that sets it apart from the rest. The Class of 2020 had the highest yield rate of any incoming class, the Class of 2019 definitely contains all of the smartest and most attractive students at Penn, and the Class of 2018 is pretty good too! Now, the Class of 2021 finally has some bragging rights on campus. Penn's freshman class had the highest number of virginities preserved during NSO– ever.

We surveyed some members of the Class of 2021, gathering their reactions to being part of the most chaste freshman class in history.

Although he is one of the freshmen who helped make the Class of 2021 the most virginal class ever, Nick Julietta appeared to get some action over the weekend. "I'm pretty sure I got to second base with this guy on Friday night, but there's a chance I was just feeling up all the Penn swag that he had left in his pockets. Either way, I'm confident that this virginity thing will be over soon. Unrelated question, but how do you tell the difference between a penis and a fidget spinner?"

"I think the news is just wonderful," said Timothy Oreck, a member of Penn for Life and an obvious virgin. "But there's always room for improvement. I heard a few freshmen managed to have some mediocre sex during NSO. I don't know who let that happen, but we gotta aim for that 100 percent abstinence rate if we want to set Penn apart from the pack. After all, I heard U.S. News & World Report is going to start listing abstinence rates in their college rankings."

"I lost my virginity!" an anonymous freshman told us, far too excitedly. "How did it happen? Well, it definitely happened, and it felt really good. Uh, it took place at the Toga Party... is that believable? Maybe it actually went down at a frat party? People have sex at parties, right? Can we make this interview anonymous?"

"It doesn't surprise me," Sawyer Burt admitted. "The NSO presentations encouraged safe, consensual sex, but no one actually told us what sex is, or how to do it. How can we be expected to lose our virginities if the administration is afraid to explain sex in near-pornographic detail to freshmen?"

"You know, that's a weird statistic," said Sarah Callman. "How did you even calculate that?"

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