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Satire  Published 04/23/17 4:41pm

Dean Furda Attends Pool Party — First Step in Initiative to Make Administration Scenier

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Photo by Sarah Fortinsky // The Daily Pennsylvanian


Those in attendance at Bamboo Bar on Saturday for another classic "Bad Weather Fling Pool Party" were shocked to see a familiar, yet unexpected face among the underaged masses: Eric Furda, Dean of Admissions. 

Why was he there? Some people postulate that he was just relaxing, looking for a pleasant way to spend his Saturday afternoon at a "tropical-style indoor/outdoor hot spot with tiki bars, shaded multilevel decks, dancing & DJ spins." But this explanation misses the bigger picture.

The Penn administration has recently begun an initiative to better connect to "the scene", the exclusive and expensive world of Penn students who probably own more than three nice pairs of sunglasses. What better way to improve the administration's relationship with a significant portion of campus than to send Dean Furda to Penn's scenier events?

Courtside seats at a Sixers game and a budding friendship with Kevin Hart? A 10:1 followers-following ratio? It's Twitter, but it's still impressive. Furda is the obvious choice to serve as a liaison between the administration and the scene.

This is only the first step in Penn's plan to align itself more closely with the scene. The Office of Communications released a press release this morning, describing the initiative in detail.

"From now on, all photographs will be taken with longer exposures so that there are streaky orange lines across any and all images. When the Admissions Office releases photos, for example, we will post them on Facebook and link to the photographer's website. Furthermore, Dean Eric Furda will be attending a majority of downtowns and Battleship-based events starting immediately, and plans to hang out at popular brunch spots each weekend. He's also going to start smoking cigarettes, and wearing more loafers."

According to a spokesperson, Furda was at the Brunch at the Barn event for research purposes. No one saw him, though: he was cleverly disguised in a horse costume, in a nearby pasture, taking notes and learning all about the scene.

Why does Penn care so much about the scene? It's simple, really. "These kids have tons of money," an anonymous staffer in the Office of Communications revealed to us. "We just want them to donate, at some point. They need to love Penn and its leadership for this to happen. Realistically, there are millions of dollars to be made here."

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