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Satire  Published 03/01/17 6:47pm

Blasphemy Win: This Sophomore Gave Up Giving Things Up for Lent

blasphemy_win

Photo: Fulton MO , Westminster College / Wikimedia Commons (edited)


When Marcus Simmons (C ‘19) woke up on February 28th, he wasn’t entirely sure where life would take him next. Lent was right around the corner and for whatever reason, all of the Buzzfeed quizzes he took were telling him to give up under the button dot com, an impossible task.

In the past he'd given up classic vices like chocolate, drinking, and studying for midterms, but those decisions had serious impacts on his overall quality of life and he was not interested in going down that path again.

Marcus had also already given up on his dream of making the world a better place in favor of selling out, so he was especially at a loss for further things to cut out of his life.

And then, inspiration struck.

He wasn’t sure if he got the idea from a meme he saw on Facebook or if it was his own natural genius, but in the middle of the night before March 1st, Marcus knew that he was going to give up giving things up for Lent. Incredible!

"It was pretty smart of me, to be honest. I can't believe no one else has thought of this," Marcus told us. "Pretty meta, you could say."

With this one simple trick he could enjoy all of the benefits of Lent, like the built-in calorie counting or the adorable chocolate bunnies, without the stress of actually having Lent impact his life in any meaningful way! Plus, he gets to brag about how clever he is. If only all of life's choices could be this easy. 

When questioned on the piety of Marcus’ little trick, God was unavailable for comment.

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