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Satire  Published 12/21/16 4:08pm

BREAKING: Biden to Accept RA Position in Quad


Politico announced that Joe Biden will "set up shop" at Penn after his term as Vice President is over. Aside from this vague statement, neither the school nor the White House would speak to what exactly Biden planned to do at Penn, where his granddaughter Naomi recently graduated.

Finally, the White House broke its silence. Biden plans to take a position as a Resident Advisor, also known as an RA, in the Quad. Sources close to the Vice President indicated that he considered an RA position in Rodin, too, until he was informed that it's the worst college house. The Vice President's spokesperson Meghan Dubyak spoke to UTB.

"The Vice President wants to do what he can to make the biggest possible difference in students' lives, and he's decided that the best way to do that is to work as an RA in the Quad."

Biden and his staff are not yet sure to which College House he be assigned, but they have already begun fleshing out a schedule of events for his hall. "Weekly ice cream study breaks are a core tenet of the Vice President's overall plan for developing a safe, comfortable, and fun environment for freshmen," his spokesperson assured us. "We are putting together a comprehensive calendar of outings and events as we speak."

The Vice President's responsibilities will include providing residents with free condoms, periodically asking residents "how is everything going?", reporting students for drug and alcohol violations, and leaving his door open for an hour each week to encourage visits from students. 

The administration has yet to comment, but it appears that the requirement that RAs be current students has been waived for the 47th Vice President.

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