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News  Published 12/13/16 8:17pm

UTB Demands Photo Evidence Of Dean Furda's Existence

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/ The Daily Pennsylvanian


UTB recently uncovered some sketchy stuff about the Daily Pennsylvanian’s photo(s?) of Dean Furda. After a radical public outcry, we felt obligated to go further with our investigative journalism.

Why would the DP only have one photo of Dean Furda for the many articles he’s featured in? Why has Amy Gutmann refused to comment on the lack of photographic documentation of Dean Furda? Why hasn’t he been live on facebook recently? Why haven’t his recent tweets been following his usual iambic pentameter style? After some serious research, we’ve come up with only one possible explanation:

Dean Furda has been missing for the last 19 months (the photo was first seen in print in March 2015). We see no other possible explanation. We regret that this information had to be revealed right before finals, and we definitely don’t not think the administration shouldn’t not cancel finals because of it.

The only thing that could ease our minds and bring closure to this investigation would be a new photo of Dean Furda - with today’s copy of the Daily Pennsylvanian. So, Dean Furda, if you’re reading this, please tweet that photo at us ASAP so we can do our job as the head investigative journalism publication on campus and reassure the students of your well-being. And if the criminal mastermind behind Dean Furda’s disappearance is reading this, take note: we will not rest until Dean Furda is returned to the students of Penn where he belongs. You can run, you can hide, but you cannot wear your Canada Goose jacket when it’s 50 degrees keep Dean Furda captive.

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