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Satire  Published 11/02/16 6:27pm

Breaking: U.S. Govt Tearing High Rises Down From The Inside


Many of us have spent last month wondering why our college houses don’t seem to want to house us. Over Halloween, when all you sexy gourds were out trick-or-treating, UTB decided to do a little sleuthing.

A former Facilities and Real Estate Services mechanic told the DP that the various maintenance issues in Rodin all have reasonable explanations. What UTB found when we crept on all fours into the air vents, garbage chutes and sewage tunnels of the high-rises was quite a different story.

The high rises are being torn down from the inside out.

Yes. We were floored as well, but the evidence speaks for itself. The reason the Rodin sprinklers have been going off at random is not because they are too sensitive, but because there are, in fact, little ugly robots in the Rodin ceilings trying to dismantle the sprinklers. The reason why the water from the sprinklers is black is because the pipes that carry it are being burned by manic, 9-legged bots from the inside. When we examined one of these bots up close, they had an “EMMT” logo on them, which could stand either for “Elon Musk Made This” or “Emergency Mutant Machine Turtle.” Both, we think, seem like bad news.

Harnwell and Harrison are being furtively de-constructed as well. The Harnwell toilet flooding from last year? Go back to that toilet and see if it’s still there. It’s not. Do you know how many floors Harrison used to have? 67.893. More than half of that has been chipped away while we were sleeping.

UTB still doesn’t know for sure who's behind this but it absolutely reeks of the United States government, so we're going to assume that our nation's leaders are responsible. First, the weather, now our homes. Is there no end to this tyranny? 

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