About

 Published 11/01/16 3:20pm

What Is Up With The Weather And Who Should We Blame?


Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably noticed that the weather recently has been more temperamental than Mark Ruffalo deciding whether or not to come to Penn. Over the last week, the temperature has fluctuated between shorts and a t-shirt study-on-the-grass outside level to the level of coldness required for a bunch of Penn students to disrespect our troops. On Sunday, the afternoon went from sunshiney, 78 degree weather to an apocalypse not unlike the inside of Amy Gutmann’s head when her GoFundMe raised a total of $0. It was terrible. So, rather than accepting the ridiculous weather, which would be almost as devastating as the end of gourd week, we did a little research to figure out who’s behind all this. Here’s what we found:

Remember back when the US government faked the moon landing? The American people were so eager to believe that we accomplished something as a nation that they accepted the lie more easily than masturbating a stallion on live television. But now think about the US government trying to fake global warming to get more money from taxpayers - Americans are not as eager to believe that we fucked up. So, the government had to get a little more creative.

That’s why they called in the big guns - literally. We haven’t gotten the science totally figured out, but we think the government has been firing massive weather capsules around the country. So we’re pretty sure that we speak for everyone when we say: President Obama (if that’s even your real name), no one believes global warming is real and no one ever will. Please redirect our tax money to more useful endeavors like getting Amy Gutmann’s salary back to its rightful value at $3,426,106.

So the next time you find yourself stuck somewhere in the middle of an apocalypse, contact the Emergency Weather Services at statesmanofpenn@gmail.com to come pick you up. And if you receive any more information on the government mechanism behind this weather, let us know at tips@underthebutton.com.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.