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 Published 10/03/16 5:14pm

Here Are 7 Ways To Treat Mono, None Of Which Will Work


It's Mono Week, and you know what that means-- a lot of people have mono, or we made the week up for no good reason. Either way, mono blows.

One of the worst things about mono is that it's impossible to treat or cure. Waiting is the only real medicine. That said, there are plenty of wacky things you can do in a futile attempt to rid yourself of the virus. Obviously, none of them will work. 

1. Take an ice bath

Not going to help with the mono, but it'll tighten up your pores and invigorate you. If you've been exercising a lot, an ice bath can help you avoid injury. Please don't expect it to fix your mono, though.

2. Replace all your mono-infested blood with someone else's clean blood

Yahoo! Answers couldn't really give me a clear answer as to whether or not it's possible to do this, but I don't know enough science to say it's not doable. Whether it's possible or not, it is very unlikely to cure you of mono.

3. Take antibiotics

You're welcome to try it but it's common knowledge that mono is viral illness, and therefore antibiotics won't do anything about it. But if you also have a bacterial infection at the same time, I guess antibiotics could help.

4. Put an allen wrench in your ear 

Unlike a simple machine or Ikea furniture, an allen wrench can't fix what's wrong with you. Nothing can. You have mono.

5. Convert all your American dollars to Hong Kong Dollars

Feel free, I guess? There's no reason to do this, you can't spend HKD in the US very easily and no amount of money can buy you a cure.

6. Email Joe Biden and ask him to ship you the anti-mono serum in a flat rate, Priority Mail envelope

There is no such serum. Joe Biden will not read your email, and almost certainly wouldn't use a flat rate Priority Mail envelope for shipping.

7. Eat more salty, fatty foods

Sodium intake has no effect on how quickly your body will defeat viral mononucleosis, but c'mon. Live a little.

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