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Freshmen, Here Are Your Fearless Leaders  President Darren Tommasso will be twerking his way into your hearts for months to come. For the losers, including some of our favorites, all that's left is a regular life devoid of power trips and name puns. Ah, l'ennui. See full results over at the DP.

Apply to Write For UTB!   If you're so funny that people just can't stand you, then join our ranks. Apps are due Sunday at midnight (like, before it becomes Monday.) Short turnaround time, you say? Welcome to Under the Button, we say. Get at us by applying here.

DuReturn of DuSex in DuWindows of DuBois

We're going to level with ya-- we didn't expect this to be a recurring post, either. Sure there were the preliminary sexcapades. Ha-ha, naked people, back to work. Then Ms. Trish decided to issue an Advisory Email that called us names. We ran with it. But now? Again? You DuBoisites must be exceedingly horny / very afraid of window coverings. You do you, DuBois!

Penn Man Poops, Flees

As you may have noticed, our tip box is back in action as of today! As if on cue, we received a delicious tip about some late-night poopin' outside the TEP house.

Freshman Makes Election Video, Twerks

Ever since the dawn of time, freshmen have been getting freaky with iMovie to say inconclusive things and win your vote. It's a delightful non-surprise every fall. It tastes like a Pumpkin Spice Latte and smells like crunchy leaves.

Campus Elevator Drops [It] Like It's Hot

Last night an elevator full of new Sirens (the lady Glee) stopped in the Sansom West lobby. Then it began to slowly sink. Then it PLUMMETED to the basement---(Pause. Deep breaths. Use inhaler if necessary.) Luckily nobody was seriously injured, and after being rescued by some yummy firefighters the girls went on with initiation as planned. If you need us, we'll be taking the stairs...

DuBacklash to DuNudity at DuBois

Notoriously strict DuBois house dean Ms. Trish saw our post about these body-bumpin' Quakers lettin' it all hang out a few nights ago. Just like their mothers would be, Ms. Trish was miffed at the brazen display of human skin to the Walnut Street commercial corridor. She sent out the following house email as a point of caution: Don't worry, readers--even though we are a 'lesser-known publication,' we would like to assure you that 'your business' is our business. Curtains are just symbols of the institutional suppression of natural sexuality, and Tap House is as good a place as any to watch people doin' it.

Dubois and Dugirls, Doin' It.

Thanks to a Tap House tipster, UTB has secured some blurry but implicitly racy photos of a couple who eschewed curtains in their late-night romp in Dubois. Let this be a lesson to you all: next time you get physical, try not to get visible.

The DP Wants To Abolish Your FOMO

Thanks to The DP's revamped Events@Penn site, you may never miss another event that you didn't even know existed.

7 Underrated and Overrated Things About Being a Freshman

So you're a freshman, eh? That's pretty exciting. You're probably all full of wonder and joy and youth. You're not crusty or jaded or cynical. You get drunk on two beers. Good for you!

Buzzfeed's 19 Signs You Googled Penn

Disclaimer: While UTB usually tries to keep it short and sweet, forgive us for getting a little worked up over this article.

This, Cosi's on Fi-iire A higher power smote the creators of the Squagel this morning. Fire crews responded to a blaze at the Cosi on 36th and Walnut, and the DP has pictures and details.

Septa Fare Hike Effective Monday: Just a heads up, this goes into effect on July 1. Still cheaper than cabbing, still more expensive than biking, still getting there.

Subway Opening Next To Nara

You know the old adage: when one beloved local sandwich place closes, another mega-chain-more-ubiquitous-than-the-actual-public-transit-for-which-it-is-named opens its doors. Spotted on 40th and Spruce yesterday, this peely notice announces that everyone's favorite repository for 5 dollar foot longs is moving into the neighborhood.

Filly Friday

If you're in Philly then you're probably soaked right now, be it from the torrential downpour or the Life-Post-Don-Memo-and-Lee's tears. It's First Friday, if you're into that, but maybe take the night off. For tomorrow...

Locust Block

On-campus Quakers be warned: in the process of fixing up the Arch building, construction workers have bisected our dear arterial Locust Walk. Prepare to be rerouted around Castle and made 14 seconds late to your summer class.

Filly Friday

Many of you have been whisked away to more financially prestigious/technologically advanced/family-oriented climes, but for those of you still in the 215, here's some Memorial Day Weekend picks.

Filly Festivals

In Philly for the summer? Us too. While UTB will keep you posted on each week's particular happenings, this helpful Philly spring-and-early-summer festival guide from Uwishunu is worth a read.

First Friday is tonight! Take a study break and go see the art showcased, for free, citywide. Or go for the wine; we won't tell.

Philly Cracking Down On Sidewalk Cafés

You there, innocently sipping your iced latté and skimming your Bio textbook outside Green Line. Does it feel COOL to break the law?