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(04/10/00 9:00am)
Kathleen Hall Jamieson and Mary Frances Berry were both hired away by Harvard's large packages. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Annenberg School for Communication Dean Kathleen Hall Jamieson and History Professor Mary Frances Berry confirmed separately on Friday that they have accepted offers to teach at Harvard University, effective July 1. The surprise announcements come only a week after History Professor Drew Faust announced she would also be leaving Penn to become the first dean of Harvard's Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Study. Jamieson, a nationally recognized expert in the field of political communications, has been dean of Annenberg since 1989. During her time in office, she has helped secure a $120 million donation from University Trustee Walter Annenberg -- the school's namesake and principal benefactor -- overseen massive renovations to the school's facilities and created the adjunct Annenberg Public Policy Center. Jamieson's second and final term as dean, however, expires next summer. At Harvard, Jamieson will direct the Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics and Public Policy, which has been without a permanent head since the center's founding director, Marvin Kalb, left office last July. "I love the University of Pennsylvania, and accomplished here more than I ever thought possible," Jamieson said. "But my time as dean, you know, is growing short, and I could not pass up this opportunity to work with some of the brightest scholars in my field." Jamieson will also step down as head of the APPC, though she will remain a fellow at the center and continue her research into media coverage of political campaigns. Berry's departure is more of a mystery. She had been on leave from the History Department for the last year and was expected to teach her popular course on the history of American law in the fall. Berry has been involved in some controversy because of her position as executive director of the Pacifica Foundation, which received flak for its censorship of liberal on-air anchors at its flagship KPFA radio station in Berkeley, Calif. Berry said last night that the Pacifica situation had nothing to do with her decision to leave and promptly hung up the phone. Two members of the History Department faculty, however, indicated that Berry might have left because of the University's poor performance at recruiting and retaining minority students and faculty. Berry, who advises African-American students, had complained privately about Penn's failure to match Harvard's diversity despite its much-vaunted minority permanence plan. Jamieson and Berry join Faust in a long line of female professors lured away by better positions at Harvard over the last several years. Last year, English Professor Elisa New decided to leave Penn for a tenured spot on Harvard's faculty. And in 1998, the Crimson recruited Penn Law Professor Lani Guinier, a controversial figure in the civil rights community. Harvard University President Neil Rudenstine offered a simple explanation for his school's success at attracting members of the fairer sex. "I'm awfully well-endowed," Rudenstine said, referring to his school's $14 billion endowment, we think. "All the chicks can't resist the packages we offer them." Upon hearing the decision, Penn Students Against Harvard said they plan to protest the professors' leaving, by donning Harvard T-shirts and chaining themselves to the bike racks outside Logan Hall.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Penn Students Against Sweatshops members were stunned and tight-lipped yesterday as information continued to flow out tying the family of a current PSAS member with alleged sweatshop operations in rural West Virginia. According to documents released yesterday by the Fair Labor Association -- a monitoring group targeted by PSAS for its structural inadequacies -- the sweatshop in question was an athletic apparel factory in Cameron, W. Va., a small town about 55 miles southwest of Pittsburgh. Although the name of the PSAS member in question was not released, the FLA reports verify that a PSAS member is linked with the sweatshop. "I'm stunned. I just don't know what to say," College senior and founding PSAS member Miriam Joffe-Block said. "We'll be discussing this tonight sometime between our protest strategy session and our panel discussion on the plight of the one-armed Australian cabbage farmers." Other PSAS members refused to return repeated phone calls last night, saying they would not speak to a right-wing organization like The Daily Pennsylvanian. Information provided by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration indicates that the factory -- which produced mainly crew socks and earmuffs -- was shut down by federal authorities in 1989 for safety violations deemed "outrageously excessive -- even by West Virginia standards." "It's an absolute shame that those who claim to have such a love for human rights can possibly be associated with such horrors," FLA Executive Director Sam Brown said. "This will send a strong message -- don't fuck with the FLA." It is unknown what other connections, if any, are shared by PSAS members and the alleged sweatshop activities. "This wasn't my family involved, but I'll tell you that some things are going to be changing -- soon," said one PSAS member, who asked not to be named. PSAS gained the campus spotlight in February, when it staged a nine-day sit-in, demanding that the University drop out of the FLA and join its preferred monitoring organization, the Worker Rights Consortium. But after weeks of deliberation, the committee has thus far decided only to remain out of both organizations until a final decision can be rendered. University President Judith Rodin expressed shock at yesterday's findings -- directed especially toward the blatantly malicious nature of the allegations -- but said that the process of selecting a monitoring organization would continue without delay. "The University of Pennsylvania is committed to proactively addressing the problem of human rights abuses worldwide," she said. "Tomorrow I will appoint two ad hoc sub-committees to report to the subcommittee to report to the Provost to report to me to deal with this issue." It remains unclear what action PSAS will choose to take now, though one member suggested one specific path. "It may be time to change our focus," one anonymous member said. "As long as we have a cause -- save the whales, save the trees, save the kangaroos, whatever -- we'll be happy." Members of Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Sweatshops said they were not surprised by the news. "We knew they weren't for real," one PSAPSAS member said. The group will be wearing Nike clothing tomorrow in protest.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] STORRS, Conn. -- In a surprising and shockingly bold move, University of Connecticut Athletic Director Lew Perkins yesterday announced the termination of three-time NCAA Women's Basketball Coach of the Year Geno Auriemma's contract. Perkins also went on to announce the hiring of first-year Penn head coach Kelly Greenberg as Auriemma's replacement. "We felt it was time for some new blood," Perkins said. "We're making a proactive move in order to prevent the stagnation of our program." Perkins, calling himself "the Jerry Krause of the NCAA" likened this move to the dismantling of the Chicago Bulls a few years ago. "Look how well that worked out," Perkins said. "Heck, they've got Elton Brand now. Kelly is like our Tim Floyd." Greenberg was surprised with the unexpected opportunity while on a recruiting trip for the Quakers, her 157th of the young offseason. "I mean, I couldn't say no," Greenberg said. "The time I've spent here has been great. I love the girls and I thought I was going to be here for several years, at least. But, when the Huskies call, geez, how do you turn that down?" Greenberg will be taking over a well-stocked Connecticut program that recently capped a 35-1 season with its second national championship in five years. "I won't even have to recruit," Greenberg said, eyes gleaming. "They'll just come to my office, All-American after All-American, and they'll ask to play for me. I'm a superstar, a superstar." The recent championship makes the news that much harder to take for Auriemma, who was reached for comment at The Stumble Inn, in Storrs' red-light district. "I just don't know what I did wrong," Auriemma said, sobbing into his beer. "I worked my ass off for that team, for those girls. Those bastards don't appreciate me for nothin'. They sign some young hotshot, while I'm bringing them another championship. I'm gonna call Calhoun and go do some blow." The news hit Penn's Athletic Department just as hard. "Obviously, it's a great opportunity, and [Greenberg] has to take it, but this just came out of nowhere," said Steve Bilsky, Penn's shell-shocked athletic director. "I just hope she doesn't take Caramanico with her."
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Students from the midwestern states are planning to hold a rally on College Green tomorrow at noon in favor of creating a resource center for Midwestern Americans. "We've felt really neglected by the University and we think it's time we demanded our fair share of the University's resources," said Kathy Wade, a College junior from Springfield, Ill. An informal coalition of nearly 200 students have been planning the protest for several months, in response to the proposal for a Pan-Asian American Community House. "There's the African American Resource Center, La Casa Latina and now an Asian center," said Engineering freshman Joe Finkel, from Springfield, Mo., "yet there's no place for Midwesterners. We have our needs, too." The students are also drafting a proposal for the resource center, which they plan to submit to President Judith Rodin and Provost Robert Barchi by next week. The proposal outlines the specific space and funding requirements of the center. The most distinguishing feature of the plan calls for a brewery to be housed in the center's basement. The rally tomorrow will feature keynote speaker Jerry Springer, the former mayor of Cincinnati who now resides in Chicago. "We thought Springer would be a good speaker because he's a very prominent midwesterner and he's quite popular among college students," said College senior Jay Parker, of Springfield, Ohio, who is leading the effort. "He was really enthusiastic about coming to Penn to support our cause." Parker added, "Jerry gave us his word that he would stick to the cause and not try any of his talk show antics during the rally." Valerie De Cruz, director of the Greenfield Intercultural Center, said students had been complaining to her about the lack of a center for Midwesterners for some time. "Students would come into the GIC to hold events and complain about not having a place of their own," De Cruz said. The Midwestern students hope to solidify further within the next few months to form a more formal organization. They are also discussing the creation of a Midwestern Studies department. "We have a rich heritage," Wade said. "Corn harvests, state fairs, it's all part of our culture." Penn Students Against Midwesterners said they were outraged by the protest and plan to hold a farm-in on College Green tomorrow during which they will pretend to plant corn and milk cows.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
Seamus Heaney may be out as Commencement speaker after complaints. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Responding to widespread student dissatisfaction over this year's Commencement speaker -- Nobel Laureate Seamus Heaney -- University officials said they are considering reopening the search to find a new candidate. University President Judith Rodin said the issue was under discussion, but no decision had been made yet. "No matter what happens, Penn will have an inspiring speaker at this year's Commencement exercises," Rodin said. But whether that speaker will be Heaney, an Irish poet and acclaimed literary figure, seems unclear. Heaney was unavailable for comment yesterday. The announcement two weeks ago that Heaney would speak at the University's 244th Commencement met with mixed responses across campus. While members of the English Department expressed excitement about the choice, many students and professors outside Bennett Hall did not even know who Heaney was. Students complained, saying that they expected a prominent government or entertainment figure at their graduation. "Admittedly, he is a famous author, but most seniors haven't really heard of him," College senior and Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Michael Silver said. Sources close to the speaker search process said that Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and talk show host Oprah Winfrey were among the other names considered this year. And with a month and a half left before the ceremony, Penn may be trying once again to attract one of these better-known candidates. "It would be difficult to get a different speaker so soon before graduation," University Secretary Rose McManus said. Interim English Department Chairman John Richetti said he was stunned that Heaney may not speak. "I'm truly flabbergasted," Richetti stuttered. "The brilliant John Richetti knows Heaney's work. Students today should be forced to read 10 Heaney poems before they can graduate. They should also all be required to take my class." Still, many seniors said that they might not even come to graduation if Heaney is the speaker. "He's just some random Irish guy," College senior and Class President Lisa Marshall said. "What will he talk about? Leprechauns, Guinness and potatoes?" To protest the choice of Heaney as speaker, Penn Students Against Irish People said they will be throwing Lucky Charms at Rodin's window tommorrow.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Just days after Admissions Dean Lee Stetson announced that Penn's Class of 2004 would be the most selective in history, officials are now saying that the admitted group may, in fact, be one of the weakest group of scholars ever to gain admittance to the University. "We screwed up -- big time," Stetson stated in a letter of explanation to University President Judith Rodin and the University Trustees. "This group may actually be the very stupidest to ever get past our noses." In the letter, Stetson blamed the poor quality of the Class of 2004 on an administrative snafu, which admissions officers did not catch until decision letters had already been sent. "Apparently, one of our former work-study students was incapable of recognizing the difference between accept and reject [application] piles," Stetson said. "Needless to say, he's no longer with us." After several days of manually sorting through admissions records, new figures were released yesterday on the actual composition of the Class of 2004. The admitted group actually boasts an average combined SAT score of 1072, rather than 1412 as originally announced. And the average student will graduate in the top 66 percent of his or her class -- not the top 2 percent as Stetson said previously. In addition, admission to the Class of 2004 has been offered to 12 valedictorians, four salutatorians and one student who was ranked second in his class but has been bumped down to fourth after a disappointing third marking period. "[That student] is kind of our wild-card now," Stetson said. "The percentage strength of the class would really benefit by that kid being number two or three. Damn that senioritis!" Rejected students reacted angrily to the enormous bureaucratic mix-up, which Stetson said could not be rectified in time for the beginning of the fall term. "In all my days, I have never experienced such inane lunacy as I did when I received my [rejection] letter from Penn," said E. Thornton Merriwhether, an honors student and national merit scholar currently attending Exeter Academy in Massachusetts. "A 1600 on the SATs, ranked first in my class -- I even served as temporary ambassador to NATO," Merriwhether said. "What more does Penn want? Princeton, here I come." Some students, however, expressed sheer delight with their unexpected acceptances. Tiffi Chawawa, an admitted student from the Cosmetology School of Staten Island, N.Y., said she was very surprised to be admitted, especially since she submitted her application on a dare from some of her classmates. "I is so, so, so thrilled to be getting my letter from Mr. Stetson at the great school of Penn U.," Chawawa said. "Go Nittany Lions!" Penn Students Against Stupid Students said they were angered by the Admissions office mistake and will protest the move today by calling accepted students and insulting them until they hang up.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] For the third time in the past year, University President Judith Rodin has charged a committee to conduct a worldwide search to fill a top administrative post. Rodin announced yesterday that a 12-person committee will begin considering candidates to become Penn's first dean of search committees. The new dean will oversee the selection process of top administrators and leading faculty members across the University. The search committee dean -- who will report jointly to Provost Robert Barchi and University Secretary Rose McManus -- will also serve as permanent chair of Penn's Committee on Committees. Among the dean of search committee's first tasks will be appointing members to serve on the committees seeking a "Sweatshop Czar" and the director of facilitator recruitment for the beleaguered PennTalks program. According to Rodin, the new position was created in an attempt to expedite the search process at Penn, which for recent high-level administrative searches has dragged on for up to 16 months. "It has been taking far too long for search committees to find candidates I get along with," Rodin said. "This person will have the solemn challenge of quickly identifying candidates I like." In accordance with Penn's strict bylaws which call for a diversity of opinions, Rodin stacked the committee with loyal administrators, faculty sycophants and the same three student leaders who are selected to serve on every University committee. Barchi will chair the search committee for the dean of search committees. In a carefully worded statement, Barchi said the committee will look for candidates from a broad range of disciplines -- including government bureaucrats, corporate executives, academics and pimps -- who have excellent organizational skills. "We will look far and wide for the most qualified and exceptional candidates, fielding outstanding leaders from all over the world," Barchi proclaimed. "And then we will just settle for a lowly Penn professor." Several recent searches for top administrative positions have yielded internal candidates after exhaustive national searches. "It's not that we can't find better candidates," Rodin rationalized. "Well, maybe it is." Although there is no specific timetable for the process, a top College Hall source said that the committee hopes that an announcement of their final selections would be "imminent," which means an announcement could be made before the current freshman class graduates. And Rodin said that there is always the possibility that she will just appoint an interim dean of search committees -- for life. Penn Students Against Search Committees will be protesting the administration's decision tomorrow. They plan to hold a mock scavenger hunt in College Hall.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Giving a new meaning to political corruption, five of the 10 highest vote-getters in last week's Undergraduate Assembly elections have been expelled from the body after committing various campaign violations during the past several weeks. The Nominations and Elections Committee had initially discovered minimal wrongdoing among the victorious candidates and even hailed this year's election as one of the cleanest in recent memory. Upon further investigation this weekend, though, the NEC recognized that it had overlooked "heinous" violations committed by UA veterans and newcomers alike. Among those implicated are College freshman Aaron Short, the second-highest vote-getter among all of the candidates, and College junior Michael Bassik, the current UA treasurer, who received the most votes in this year's election. Short had evoked sympathy among voters when he appeared in a front-page story in The Daily Pennsylvanian in which he claimed to have had his appendix removed. Students overwhelmingly responded to the fact that Short was running his campaign from his hospital bed -- gown and all. But one day after the election, the doctors and nurses who treated him at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania said they never actually treated him at all. "Physically, the kid was in perfect shape," said rheumatologist William Kelley, who was, until recently, the chief executive officer of Penn's Health System. "He said he needed the bed for a photo. Who am I at this place to say no?" Meanwhile, Bassik, a UA fixture since his freshman year, was expelled after NEC officials discovered that he offered bribes to voters and attempted to buy an endorsement from the DP. "This egregious protocol inadequacy is extraordinarily insulting to my incredibly significant status. Really just extraordinary," mumbled DP Executive Editor Binyamin Appelbaum, a College junior. "I hope this will not come back to haunt me in my bid to one day be president of this very fine country," an uncharacteristically unkempt Bassik told a crowd of onlookers at his College Hall press conference last night. "The embarrassment of this situation even made me forget to gel my hair this morning. Please go to my home page, www.michaelbassik.com, to read more about me." Penn Students Against Campaign Violations said they were outraged at the candidates' misbehavior and will hold a protest to declare that Kris Ryan should be elected in the violators' places. Said one member, "We agree with Kris."
(04/10/00 9:00am)
Philly native Will Smith gave the $2 million to build the new Penn baseball stadium. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] When the Penn baseball team hosts Philly rival Temple on Wednesday, the Quakers are gonna get jiggy with it. The Penn Athletic Department stunned fans yesterday with an announcement that will make the Red and Blue into Men in Black for a long time to come. The anonymous donor whose money built the new Penn Baseball Stadium at Murphy Field is ready to come forward and be recognized. From West Philadelphia, born and raised, Will Smith --Ewhose smiling face already graces a billboard beyond the left field wall -- is now willing to attach his name to the stadium. It will be called Will Smith Field. "My last check for Wild Wild West came on a flatbed," Smith said, estimating that sales were around "20 mil." Smith, whose annual income makes Whartonites drool as much as his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith does, also joked with some members of the Quakers about the outfield billboard he adorns. "He was smooth," right fielder Kevin McCabe said. "He told me not to let that billboard get to me like the spaceship froze Bernard Gilkey in Men in Black." Hopefully for the Quakers, the spaceships themselves won't also be distracting at Will Smith Field. The Athletic Department is planning a series of promotions and giveaway days relating to the star, beginning with free Men in Black mini-spaceships for all fans at next Saturday's doubleheader against Cornell. "Holy jeez!" Penn baseball coach Bob Seddon said. "These mini-spaceships are really something. They were showing me the prototype, and I'll tell you, they're really something. You could probably land on the moon with one of those. Isn't that the moon lander? I remember when Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon there, and they start playing golf on the moon. Aw, Aldrin was a four-handicap on the moon, but he was a hell of a baseball player too. We damn near recruited him to come pitch for us, but it just didn't work out that way. He went to Princeton, just like that Chris Young. And that weightlessness on the moon, that probably helps ol' Wonder Boy out with the basketball, and Princeton for having that." The popularity of the Penn baseball team is almost certain to skyrocket now that Smith is associated with the Quakers and their field. "Oh, you know the kids love him," Seddon said. "This is sure a great day for Penn baseball. Why, it's almost as nice as that day when Doug Glanville got three hits off of Tommy Glavine for us at the Vet. I'll tell ya, he hit that third one right down the line, you know how it is, when you're not sure it's going to hit the line or not and it hits the line, and it's a double. Well, that double won us the game against, oh, who was Glavine pitching for? Right, Brown. Yeah, Brown. That reminds me of this one time back when I was the soccer coach when Brown tried to bring in Pele. Those rascals tried to sneak him into the league by spelling his name backwards. Well, there it is, 1977, and the guy's just been in the World Cup for Brazil, and he's suiting up as Elep for Brown. My guys are chasing him all over the field, but they can't catch him, it's a wild goose chase, because Elep, Pele, whatever you want to call him, he's so fast, and he scored three goals. But anyway, yeah, this Will Smith kid. Can he hit?"
(04/10/00 9:00am)
Penn coach Dave Micahnik has eyes set on Hollywood's young 'Star Wars' star [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] The Penn men's fencing team may have fallen short in its Ivy League meets this season, but the future looks bright for the sword-fighting Quakers. Help is on the way from a galaxy far, far away. After coming into possession of confidential documents, The Daily Pennsylvanian has learned that Penn coach Dave Micahnik has his eyes set on young Jake Lloyd, the diminutive actor who played Annakin Skywalker in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Micahnik, who seems comfortable going to the movie theater to find top recruits, hopes to land Lloyd for the 2001 season. "This kid's a gem, I tell you -- an absolute gem," said Micahnik, whose enthusiasm was visible when asked about his find. "I've got the jump on the other coaches. See, the thing is that none of them have put it all together. The kid's Vader, Darth freakin' Vader. If he comes to play for me, we will never lose another match? and that's a guarantee." Lloyd, who will be the Quakers No. 1 in foil, sabre and epee has never lost a match in his fencing career, according to Micahnik. Of course, he has yet to fight anybody, but Micahnik has heard from unidentified Hollywood sources that Lloyd is steadily improving and will kill more than 20 characters in the next Star Wars movie. "The kid's a prospect? that's for sure," Micahnik said. "His metaclorian count is through the roof. Not even Master Yoda has that kind of count. God, they're going to make me a saint after I get this kid." Lloyd, who says he will miss his parents, is also looking forward to getting an early start on his collegiate fencing career. "I can't wait to play with swords again," Lloyd said. "I had a really good time being a hero and saving my planet and everything. I just hope I can be just as important to the Penn fencing team." While Micahnik is ecstatic about his recruiting magic, his team is not quite sure what to make of it. "If you ask me, the guy's out of his freaking mind," freshman foilist Yale Cohen said. "Jake Lloyd is an actor -- not a fencer. Micahnik's gone off! I'll tell ya, he's not long for this world." The longtime head coach, however, will not let this resentment steer him off-course. "I understand there might be some bitterness from the other fencers. He's going to come in here and steal the show and pick up all the chicks," Micahnik remarked. "But my team has to understand that the kid's a once in a lifetime find. He'll unite the two sides of the force. They can call me whatever names they want. I'll have the last laugh? blah hahahah." One thing that is a slight concern, however, is the work load at Penn. It might be hard for an eight-year-old to keep up with the rigorous academics that this institution has to offer. "I'm a little worried that Lloyd might not be up to the, er, level of some of our students," Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said. "But there shouldn't be that much of a problem. He's an athlete -- we'll give him some breaks. Hell, it's not like we can really go over the line on that kind of thing any worse than Brown already has. And anyway, is it really breaking the rules if you don't get caught? I say that's just a bonus for playing the game well, if you know what I mean." Lloyd, however, does not think that he will need any extra help at all, insisting that he can perform at the high level expected of the average Penn student. "I'm not that worried about that whole academics thing," Lloyd said. "I'm a pretty good reader and I can sometimes do long division. I tie my shoes like it's going out of style. Here, watch me go." While Lloyd did succeed in tying his shoes faster than the competition, it is worth noting that the competition consisted of Jar Jar Binks and the incomplete prototype of C-3PO that Lloyd's character built in the movie. With that said, it looks like the Quakers have found themselves a star for the next four years. The force is now on their side. Perhaps an Ivy title will follow.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] A greasy spoon diner is finally coming to campus this fall. And although the restaurant will be new, a familiar face will be flipping pancakes in the kitchen -- John Fry. Penn's executive vice president said he was sick and tired of hearing students complain that there was no diner on campus -- so he's decided to take matters into his own hands. Literally. Fry said that when the diner opens at Sansom Common in September, he will be discarding his pinstriped suits for a chef's hat when he takes leave from his executive responsibilities and starts working as the chef. "You may think I'm just a money grubbing businessman," Fry said. "But I know my way around a kitchen. I make a mean Denver omelette." As executive vice president, Fry is the University's top financial official and oversees all of Penn's business and financial dealings. Still, he said these responsibilities are nothing compared to the satisfaction he will receive by providing students with bacon cheeseburgers and french fries. Fry added that he is not unfamiliar with the business, having worked in a McDonald's to earn extra money before he was hired at Penn. "I worked in Micky-D's all through high school," he said. "And I won employee of the week three times." Students praised the proposal, saying that maybe with Fry in charge they would get a decent meal. "He's going to cook us crazy-good food," College senior and Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Michael Silver said. "I can't wait for him to cook me a big plate of scrapple." And even University President Judith Rodin said she was looking forward to the new eatery on campus. "John really does have a way with a spatula," Rodin said. "He made me eggs benedict once. It was orgasmic." Penn Students Against Diners expressed anger with Fry's plans to bring a diner to campus. They will throw greasy hamburgers at Fry's car on Thursday in protest.
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Coach Demer Holleran snuck stars into the country, according to the INS. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Demer Holleran's house of cards has come tumbling down. According to documents acquired by The Daily Pennsylvanian, the national championship-winning Penn women's squash team and its wunderkind of a head coach have attracted unwanted attention from the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service. It seems as if Holleran, in her maniacal search for a national crown, has violated nearly every immigration law on the books. "It looks as if we have two clear-cut cases of fraud on Holleran's part," INS spokesman Jim Morlock said. The substance of the allegations consists in the role Holleran played in the immigration of star players junior Helen Bamber, who came to Penn by way of Zimbabwe, and junior Rina Borromeo, a native of the Philippines. The INS alleges that Holleran, who apparently has established connections with unscrupulous customs agents, was able to smuggle Bamber and Borromeo into the country, provide them with fraudulent visas and keep all of this a secret while her Red and Blue squad managed to secure a title. "I love Demer Holleran," Bamber said. "I'd like to see you lightweights make it in Zimbabwe a single day. Look at our national heroes. Nick Price, for instance, he's got skin like leather. He's a mean brother. It's a terrible life down there. Demer took me away from all that, and I will be thankful for her until the day I die. They should make her a saint." Holleran could not be reached for comment. When a DP reporter arrived at her Wynnewood, Pa., home, Holleran refused to come outdoors. The reporter was then scared away by Holleran's loyal army of illegal-immigrant gardeners and endangered Komodo Dragons. "I'll let you in on a little secret," Penn men's squash coach Craig Thorpe-Clark said. "If I had half the balls that Demer did, I would do the exact same thing. Squash requires years of determination, something you Americans don't know. Fine, condemn squash coaches for doing what they do. But deep down in places you don't like to talk about at parties, you want us on that wall." If the allegations coming from the INS prove true, the ramifications for Holleran will be dire. She could face no less than 10 years of jail time, and the program that she built to prominence would be devastated. "What are you talking about?" Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said when asked for comment. "I don't hear you. Steve's in his happy place, doesn't want to hear this. Negativity no good for AD." Holleran came to Penn eight years ago by way of Princeton. While at Old Nassau, she won national titles and earned All-America honors in 1989, her senior year. Her college boyfriend, former Princeton basketball center Kit Mueller, paints an intriguing picture of the budding coach. "Demer used to always push me around," said Mueller, who is now an attendant at the Penn parking garage on the corner of 38th and Walnut Streets. "She would always tell me what to do. Kit, go get me a hot water bottle. Kit, bring me my bunion eraser. Blah, blah, blah. She never loved me," Mueller said. "All she ever loved was winning."
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After being named Ivy League Rookie of the Year, Ugonna Onyekwe has decided to leave the Quakers. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] The news just keeps getting worse for the Penn frontcourt. Less than a week after Oggie Kapetanovic announced his possible departure, Penn men's basketball freshman forward Ugonna Onyekwe announced yesterday that he is transferring to Duke after the end of this school year. Transferring to another Division I school, Onyekwe, this season's Ivy League Rookie of the Year, will be ineligible to play for the Blue Devils until the 2001-02 season. Onyekwe made his way to the Quakers as a top-100 prospect. From the beginning, it seemed he was going to be a major presence for the Quakers, but everyone was surprised to see his impact come so quickly and end so abruptly. "We knew we had something special here," Dunphy said. "Unfortunately, other people realized it as well. We wish him the best of luck in future endeavors." A first of its kind for the Ancient Eight, Onyekwe's transfer was sparked by his dominant showing in the Ivy League and in the Quakers' lone NCAA Tournament game against Illinois. Onyekwe led Penn against the Fighting Illini with 17 points and six rebounds. "He caught our eye with the write-up in USA Today after the Princeton game," Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said. "I've known Dunphy since I was a little coaching genius. He would never steer me wrong, and he said this kid was the real deal." Duke, a perennial powerhouse in men's college hoops, ended its season a few weeks ago after being ousted in the third round of the NCAA Tournament by Florida in the East Regional. With one of the smallest benches in the nation, the Blue Devils did not have enough personnel to keep up with the Gators' full-court press. Projected to lose several key players to the NBA draft, including senior forward Chris Carrawell, Krzyzewski needed to look at other means beyond high school talent to reload his team. "With his outside shot and inside moves, Ugonna will be able to fill in several holes on our team," Krzyzewski said. "Having more depth will give us a better chance to win the national championship down the road." Many factors went into Onyekwe's decision to transfer. While he enjoyed his team's run at the title and receiving experience playing for such a well-coached team, the offer was hard for the freshman to turn down. "It was a no-brainer," Onyekwe said. "It's Duke. They are ranked higher than Penn in academics, and their basketball team actually contends for the national crown. Can you say 'television exposure' and 'lottery pick'? It's real easy." Onyekwe also realized that losing Michael Jordan, Matt Langel and Frank Brown would make it difficult for the Quakers to perform as well as this past season. "We are going to suck next year," Onyekwe said. "I told Dunph that if I was going to play, they were going to have to give me the damn ball." While enjoying the support the fans showed the team, Onyekwe recalls that he never really felt at home in the Palestra. "The fans are all a bunch of bandwagoners," Onyekwe said. "They never used to show up. It wasn't until we clinched things that people finally started coming. By the way, that whole "UUUUUU" thing -- it's annoying. Isn't Penn in the Ivy League? Don't you think these students can come up with something a little more original?" Seen in his new Lexus convertible, Onyekwe feels he made the right decision to sign with the Blue Devils. "We like to keep everyone who is part of our Duke family very happy," Krzyzewski said. "Winning does not come easy or cheap."
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Alcohol monitors will be required to live in all IFC houses over Spring Fling. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Fraternity Spring Fling parties will be a lot tamer this year, according to Alcohol Coordinator Stephanie Ives. Ives announced yesterday that all 31 fraternities in the InterFraternity Council will have to house a live-in monitor for the duration of the Fling weekend to help prevent alcohol-related illnesses. She said that past attempts to curb alcohol abuse during Fling have failed because the administration has not done enough to regulate drinking among the Greeks. "We think fraternities need a little more supervision during this weekend," Ives said, adding that "hopefully it will benefit the entire University community." IFC President Andrew Mandelbaum, an Alpha Chi Rho brother, expressed concern over Ives' proposal. "It shows the University doesn't really trust us," the College junior said. "They're singling out the IFC." Mandelbaum also pointed out that, as Spring Fling is a mere four days away, it will be nearly impossible to find and hire monitors for all 31 IFC fraternities. But Ives has a solution for that problem as well, which would not require the University to hire any additional personnel -- relocating housekeeping staff to the fraternity houses for the weekend. "This will provide an opportunity for students to really get to know the people who work behind the scenes at Penn," Vice President for Facilities Services Omar Blaik said. "It's a very unique opportunity for all involved." University President Judith Rodin said yesterday she supports the decision, calling Ives' plan "resourceful" and "ingenious." "This may be just what we've been looking for," Rodin said yesterday. "We don't need to drive fraternities off campus, we just need to bring in a healthy dose of adult involvement." "Who cares anyhow," College senior and Daily Pennsylvanian columnist Andrew Exum said. "No monitor can separate me from my bottle of Wild Turkey, even if I have to climb a mountain to escape them. Giddyup!" Penn Students Against Monitors said they were shocked by the announcement and will hold an unsupervised rally at an undisclosed fraternity house tomorrow.
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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] In a first-of-its-kind move in Ivy League athletics, the Penn women's lacrosse team announced yesterday that it would be releasing a team calendar as a means of raising money to offset a budget shortfall. At a noon press conference held at Weightman Hall, first-year Quakers coach Karin Brower described the quandary faced by the team, which resulted from a lack of alumni donations and less-than-stellar sales of team gear at Penn basketball games. To compensate for an expected $500,000 shortfall, the Quakers will release the "Women of Penn Lacrosse: Chicks with Sticks" calendar, which will span the 2000-01 academic year and sell for $9.99 a pop, in selected area bookstores come August. "I do hope that this helps to make up some of our, um, recent losses," Penn goalie Christian Stover said. "Hopefully then I can stop betting on the games. "Between you and me," she whispered, "Bet on the over." The calendar also has possibilities on a larger scale. "I'm excited about the prospects for this calendar and the exposure that it will lend to the team," Brower said. "And if the men on Penn's campus are as lecherous as we think, we'll make up our budget deficit and then some in no time. Never mind the wonders it will do for recruiting?" Features of the calendar will include a page dedicated to each of the three sororities represented by the team, and freshman and sophomore class pull-outs. A coaches' spread is also expected, and a month will be dedicated to the team's tri-captains. "At first we thought this was a little bit exploitative, and the team was against the idea," said Quakers midfielder Emily Foote, a Daily Pennsylvanian sports reporter. "But we were assured that the photo spreads would be done tastefully. And besides, we do have those DP-types taking photos of us as we run around in short skirts at our games already." News and Notes Rumors abound that Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky will buy up all copies of the calendar to give to alumni and parents.
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Through the "Finding Philly" series, students sampled food from six Italian restaurants. There is an Italian saying: Appetite comes to those who eat. Eight residents of Harrison College House proved that to be true in a marathon tour of six Italian restaurants in a single evening. On Wednesday night, the sixth installment of the "Finding Philly" series kicked off when Art Casciato, dean of Harrison House, led a group of students to South Philadelphia's Italian neighborhood with the goal of eating six separate courses at six different restaurants, ranging from the "hole-in-the-wall" eatery to more high-profile establishments. Casciato said he had toyed with the idea of hitting six different restaurants in one night but had long feared that it would be a "logistical nightmare." At the first restaurant, the Desanka CafZ, the students whet their appetites on ravioli in brodo, or ravioli in broth. The group hurriedly swallowed up their soup, unaware that they would have to pace themselves as the evening progressed. After a quick walk, the second stop was made at Io e Tu, a more well-known restaurant in the area. Here three waiters, aware of the relay race the Harrison House members were running, brought antipasto to the still-hungry crowd. Roasted peppers, the famous Io e Tu marinated carrots, calamari and breaded portobello mushrooms in a tomato cream sauce were all offered to the hungry diners. On their way out of the restaurant, College sophomore Dyer Halpern asked Casciato, "Have we found Philly yet, Art?" The ready reply was, of course, "No." After all, four restaurants still remained. Next, Felicia's, in true Northern Italian fashion, served gnocchi in tomato sauce and thin spaghetti with pesto. The waiter offered wine to the group in a thick Italian accent. "I think it's barbaric not to have wine with dinner," Casciato joked with the students. He proceeded to order a bottle of Chianti. Casciato picked Ralph's for the meat course because it is the oldest family-owned Italian restaurant in the country. Its reputation did not disappoint. Veal parmesan, breaded flounder and grilled chicken in a lemon cream sauce satisfied those who were still hungry. By this point, it became obvious to Halpern and Engineering junior John Sinclair that what they had on their hands was a "battle of wills" -- a contest to see which one of them could actually eat all the food that would be served to them throughout the evening. Little Italy's Dante and Luigi's was the second-to-last stop, where the students had their salad course. It proved too much for Sinclair, however, who lost the eating contest when he could not finish his salad. Since Casciato found himself under budget, he opted to order another bottle of wine for the group. The waiter demonstrated his prowess by stretching the bottle's contents equally into each of the glasses, a feat met with great applause and shouting. The final stop was the renowned Victor CafZ at 13th and Dickinson streets, where the waiters are opera singers in training. After two arias -- one from I Pagliacci and the other from La Boheme -- and pistachio creme brulZe and canolis, the evening came to a close.
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More than 100 Penn women gathered on College Green for "Take Back the Night." Wearing blue and white T-shirts emblazoned with the words "End The Violence," a procession of women marched down Locust Walk yesterday, chanting "Women unite! Take back the night!" More than 100 women and a handful of men took part in "Take Back the Night," an annual event protesting sexual violence and other crimes against women. The night's activities included a rally, a march and a speak-out. Earlier in the evening, about 120 students gathered on College Green to hear Philadelphia group Sincerely Yours sing gospel with a message of peace and hope for victimized women. "It's a really emotional night," said College junior Nicole Plumez, a member of Students Together Against Acquaintance Rape, one of the co-sponsors of the event. College sophomore Ellie Lobovits, a member of the Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance, which also co-sponsored the event, said the purpose of the event was to "give people space to tell their stories" and "to make people aware of how prevalent this issue is." During the rally, Penn Women's Center Director Elena DiLapi spoke to the audience about the "individual and collective pain" of victims of sexual violence." "Here at the University of Pennsylvania, there's a lot of psychological and physical abuse that goes on in relationships," she said. But she used a hat embroidered with the phrases "No Fear" and "Wounds Heal" as a prop to show that there is hope for survivors of sexual violence. DiLapi was followed by Lobovits, who gave a crowd-rousing speech in which she said women in this society have been deprived of their fundamental rights. "I am your sister, you are my sister and we are one," she said. "We live in a patriarchy where women are taught to be weak, passive and so skinny they cannot fight for themselves." "Six hundred and seventy thousand women per year are raped or assaulted," she continued. "The issue is silenced and pushed back." About 30 students chose to participate in the march that followed. With the Philadelphia Women's Bagpipe Corps trailing behind, the students chanted and sang down Hamilton Walk, Spruce Street and Locust Walk. Throughout the 30-minute march, College senior and STAAR member Alayne Freidel kept chanting into the loudspeaker to keep the marchers motivated. The marchers returned to College Green for the second portion of the rally, the survivor speak-out. Counselors were available to prepare survivors before they spoke. Both women and men spoke openly about their personal experiences with sexual abuse and rape as participants lit candles in support. Plumez emphasized the healing power of sharing personal experiences with others and "how much you can touch someone and how much you can help someone just by telling your story." The audience was clearly moved by the speakers. "I almost starting crying," Engineering junior Jen Orloff said.
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From Andrew Carnegie to Bill Gates, it's a story that has played out many times in the business world: The little guy gets squashed by the big guy. And now, according to two Penn alumni, the University is wielding its big business power against their small Internet-based Penn apparel company. Joe Anderson and Jeff Belanoff, both physicians, started Ultimate Industries in January 1997 as a part-time venture. According to its two owners, Ultimate Industries has only sold about 100 shirts over the last three years and donates more than it sells. "Our motive wasn't to make gobs of money," Anderson said. But despite the company's stated purpose of broadening the selection of available Penn merchandise -- rather than just making a profit -- Anderson and Belanoff may soon be forced to shut down their company. Penn informed the owners in a letter dated February 15 that their license would not be renewed, retroactive to January 1. Although last month the company received a license extension to June 30 and a notice that Penn would reconsider if Ultimate Industries would resubmit its license application, the owners could be without a license in three months. "[Penn's] just taking a little company making barely nothing -- a couple of alumni nonetheless -- and squishing them for no apparent reason," Belanoff said. According to Associate Vice President for Business Development Lisa Prasad, Ultimate Industries' use of non-registered Penn insignias is the reason the company was originally denied renewal of its license. Anderson and Belanoff have been using the same logos since they were first granted a license by the University -- the standard split red and blue "P" along with several of their original designs. However, Prasad said Penn has "used a lot more scrutiny" this year in granting licenses, as University licenses are now granted by a committee in Business Services, whereas in the past they were controlled by the Center for Technology Transfer. Currently, 77 companies have Penn merchandising licenses. "[The CTT] didn't always look at the product samples for appropriateness," Prasad said. Prasad said several of Ultimate Industries' logos -- including a Quaker jumping through the "Q" in "Quakers" and a Ben Franklin look-alike in a football uniform leaning on a red and blue "P" -- do not fit University standards. She also said Ultimate Industries violated license regulations by including a registered trademark symbol next to these non-trademarked logos. According to Anderson, who graduated from the Engineering School in 1984, Penn's letter declining Ultimate Industries' license request did not give a reason for declining to renew the apparel company's license. "We asked, 'Why?' They didn't give us a reason," Anderson said. "I finally got a verbal answer a month later that they don't like what we're selling." Anderson and Belanoff, a 1983 College graduate, both expressed disdain for the way in which the University has treated them over this issue. They point to "legal gobblygook" in the February 15 letter and "hoops" they must now "jump through just to get reconsidered." "If the University renews us in good faith, I think that's a reasonable thing," Anderson said. "But, if not, I think it represents the fact that the University's basically now a corporation." Prasad said Penn hadn't had prior problems with Ultimate Industries.
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Undergraduate Assembly and class board election results were announced last night. Following an election with one of the largest voting turnouts in recent history, the Nominations and Elections Committee announced last night the results of this spring's student government elections. Fourteen incumbents were re-elected to the Undergraduate Assembly, which will next year include at least seven minority students -- far more than in recent years. About half a dozen Greeks were elected to the main undergraduate student government body. Until this past year, a majority of UA members had been affiliated with Greek organizations. The half-hour Fair Practices Code hearing -- at which candidates can bring campaign rule violation charges to the NEC's attention -- went smoothly, with only one appeal and one charge filed against the NEC itself. College junior Matthew Thornton, who ran against College junior Neerav Sheth for senior class treasurer, filed charges against the NEC for posting another student's picture on the Web next to his candidate statement, which he claimed may have confused voters. The NEC acknowledged the error and has decided to re-run elections for the position. The new election will likely be held from next Tuesday to Sunday, with results being announced the following Monday. Wharton freshman and UA candidate Christopher McLeester -- who had been automatically disqualified for not handing in his spending form -- appealed the charge by saying he was unclear about the rule since he did not attend a candidates meeting and did not see an e-mail explaining the NEC's regulations. The appeal was denied. UA results were then announced to the 63 students who ran for 25 available UA spots. Another eight will be offered to incoming freshmen in the fall. Half of the 16 College students elected were incumbents: juniors Alex Moskowitz and Michael Bassik, the UA's current treasurer and the highest vote-getter among UA candidates; sophomores Dana Hork and Rachel Mendelsohn; and freshmen Lara Bonner, David Levin, Molly Siems and Becky Tracy. The remaining eight newcomers were juniors Heather Germain and Ryan Little, sophomores Jed Gross and Kimberly Dobson and freshmen Arshad Hasan, Erin Kennedy, Seth Schreiberg and Aaron Short, the second-highest vote-getter. Four Engineering students were elected as well. Juniors Mo Saraiya and Michael Krouse were re-elected, along with newcomers sophomores Eric Chen and Dave Greene. All four of the Wharton representatives were incumbents -- junior Jon Glick, sophomore Dana Becker and freshmen Ethan Kay and Yale Cohen. Nursing and Wharton junior Kisimbi Thomas was elected as Nursing representative. He ran unopposed. The highest vote getters from each school's race -- Bassik, Saraiya, Becker and Thomas -- will receive a seat on the University Council. Gross and Little were elected to at-large seats. UA executive board positions will be elected at the UA's transition meeting on April 18. The candidates to succeed College senior Michael Silver as UA chair are expected to include Bassik, the current treasurer and former UA vice chairman; Krouse, who helped lead the UA's initiative to develop better relations with the United Minorities Council; and Hork, the chairwoman of the UA Communication Committee. Glick, a former UA treasurer, may also throw his hat into the ring. Class board winners were also announced last night. Ray Valerio will head the Senior Class Board as president. Mo Saraiya -- who is also a University Council representative and Engineering representative to the UA -- was re-elected vice president, and Tori Katz won the position of secretary. Roya Weiner was elected vice president for corporate sponsorship. School representatives elected were: Vanessa Freeman and Anne Berenbom for the College, Krista Pohl for Engineering, Richard Kinderman for Wharton and Kisimbi Thomas for Nursing. Ryan Miller, another newcomer to class boards, will serve as junior class president. Other elected Junior Class Board members were Stephanie Benedetto as vice president, Martina Trucco as secretary, Matthew McAllister as treasurer and Zachary Brown as vice president for corporate sponsorship. Holly Russell and Kimberly Colopinto will serve as College representatives. Wynter Duncanson and Carine Ildebrando, a Daily Pennsylvanian staff member, were elected as Engineering representative and Wharton representative, respectively. There were no candidates for Nursing representative to the Junior Class Board. Adam Zimbler and Emily Newman were re-elected sophomore class president and vice president, respectively. Katherine Smith was elected secretary and Albert Song won the position of treasurer. Santiago Rivera was re-elected vice president for corporate sponsorship. School representatives were Jeb Winton for the College, Dan Parry for Engineering, Caitlin Crowley for Nursing and Yale Cohen for Wharton.
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The buildings may be crumbling and supplies may be virtually non-existent. But Mayor John Street has another concern on his to-do list for the ailing Philadelphia public school system -- fashion. Last week, the mayor introduced a new plan that would require all students in the city's public school system to don uniforms. The proposal, which could affect all 259 district schools, is the latest step in Street's push to improve education in schools across the city. At Street's request, members of the school board -- who thanks to a 1998 state law can require school uniforms in all Philadelphia schools -- will be discussing the possibility of mandating uniforms for students at an Education Committee meeting today. Street has expressed strong support for uniforms, saying that they will improve discipline and order in the downtrodden, underfunded public school system. Issues regarding school uniforms are often hotly contested between parents, students and administrators. And although the principals of several West Philadelphia schools say they approve of Street's plan, they also foresee complications the policy could cause. Cheryl Hazzard, principal of the Lea School at 47th and Locust Streets, expressed her strong support for a system of uniforms in public schools. "I think that uniforms are a good idea. Who's going to fight in dress up clothes?" Hazzard asked. "Nobody's going to get their good clothes messed up." She has experienced the benefits of school uniforms first-hand, having worked at a public school where the majority of children wore the same outfit. The results were an increase in school spirit and less competition among students, Hazzard said. However, other local administrators are skeptical of the mayor's plan to bring uniforms into their schools. "I'm not sure I see the connection between uniforms and children's behavior," said March Neff, principal of Powelton Village's Powel Elementary School, which houses grades K-4. Neff has also worked at a school where the students were encouraged to wear a simple uniform, and said that she perceived no visible difference from Powel in terms of discipline. Although Neff said she would be receptive to the idea of uniforms, she added that the clothes would have to allow children to play and get messy -- meaning no skirts for girls. "There are so many more important things we need to be concerned about in this city about public education," Neff said. Both Powel and Lea -- which has students in grades K-8 -- have younger students, which, the principals say, decreases the need for uniforms. A standard dress code is especially helpful in a high school environment, where the pressure to wear designer labels is far more intense, they added. University City High School Assistant Principal Ethelyn Young said that she "would love to see uniforms throughout the school system." "It will cut down on the name calling and the low self-esteem," Young explained. "Some children cannot afford to wear the most up-to-date clothing." However, Young also said that while she supports the plan, it will be difficult to get high school students to agree to wear uniforms. "You'd have a large outcry," Young said. "You're going to have a fight on your hands in the high schools."
