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Student Health Services, in its annual report of health and sexuality trends at Penn, has announced the leading cause of pregnancy among the Penn student body: removing the microphone from the mic stand during an a cappella show.
Amazing. This frat boy, despite being mean-spirited and genuinely uninteresting, continues to love himself. Really love himself. That’s right: even though he’s a fundamentally bland chauvinist, he doesn’t let it affect what he sees when he looks in the mirror— an egotistical dick.
In a shocking new report released by The New York Times, statistics show that only 40 percent of Penn students have never been able to use "summer" as a verb.
In a shock that will have geopolitical ramifications around the world, Kings Court English College House has declared itself to be The Democratic College House of Court.
New College House West, named after prominent South Carolina senator and Penn School of Medicine Class of 1790 alum, John de New College House West, hasn't been built yet but is already facing backlash. After Penn’s announcement of the name of the new addition to the west side of campus, student groups across campus have announced their opposition due to the legacy of its namesake. College Green sit-ins by protesters and counter-protesters are planned for the weekend.
Composed of spacious yards, greenery, and a vibrant atmosphere, Beige block was ranked second in New York magazine's 2017 edition of “Hippest Neighborhoods in Manhattan for Young People."
Hey everybody! So last weekend I was doing my thing, hanging out with my good friends at a fraternity party. We were dancing and singing and having a grand old time, when all of a sudden a new song comes on that really got my feet stepping and my hips swaying. It sounds pretty rad, and I think it’s pretty hipster too. At first I thought it was called “Mr. Brightguy,” but someone talking about it later said it was called “Mr. Brightside” by “The Killers.” Long story short... I highly recommend!
Sources confirm that College Junior Gideon M. (W ‘19), who claims that he does not have time to do anything political on campus, spent the entirety of Tuesday evening trying to fit one more line onto his resume.
Sweet Jesus. It seems that in Penn’s construction boom, including the New College House, they have decided to to extend the notorious Locust Walk Wind Tunnel that currently exists from the 38th Street Bridge to 40th Street by six blocks.
College senior Jeremy Stein is no normal slouch. No, this senior doesn't just doze off like your typical checked-out fourth-year would while his Writing Seminar professor explains (for the fifth time) the correct sequence of a mid-semester portfolio—instead, he spends class time injecting heroin into his arm, and has been for the past three weeks.
Be careful! If someone tagged you in the comments, you have to do it.
ALERT: As of Tuesday, the foot traffic on Locust Walk is now 90% dance troupe advertising for upcoming shows. The situation is dangerous, and is quickly reducing the practicality of using the pathway for anything other than an impromptu stage to advertise dance events. Pedestrians are advised to plan alternative routes and avoid boomboxes, pep, and punny names at all costs.
Oh no! Apparently, unless you bought one of these lacquerware giraffes from the Locust Walk Bazaar during Parents' Weekend you have no strong emotional attachment to your offspring!
In talking to her friends last week, alcoholic Sophia G. (W ‘19), reportedly claimed that “Tinder is too addictive” and that she “had to delete it off her phone” in order to “get her life in order.”
Wow. It is becoming increasingly clear to his teachers and classmates that College junior and Economics major Ben G. of Shaker Heights, Ohio, who has finished nine of the 12 credits required for his economics major, has learned far more about the intricacies of New York City-area prep school society politics than economic theory during his time at Penn.
OMG! It’s Rachel. We haven’t seen her since at least NSO. How many cheek kisses is this fancy hello? Answer these questions, and see how many times you're going to kiss Rachel's perfect cheeks!
Two freshman, Joe S. (W ’21) of Scarsdale, NY and Rachel W. (C ’21) of White Neck, NY have reportedly been seen together as a couple after discovering their shared love of film, as well as jointly experiencing their mutual friend Jeremy’s alcohol poisoning last week.
PHILADELPHIA – Spotting what appeared to be an anonymous Penn classmate on Locust Walk donning a navy blue sweatshirt with the unmistakable "YALE" lettering emblazoned across the front, some Penn students have concluded that the student’s choice of sweatshirt indicates that he is either very smart or very, very stupid.
As some of you may have heard, I was recently asked by Penn to head the Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement. That's right, the Biden Center. As I understand that many of you frequent this shitstain of a satire website, I decided to submit a letter to the editor to disseminate to you a very simple idea. I will say this once and only once:
Oh hey, I see I arrived a little early to this GSR and you’re not quite wrapped up yet. That’s totally cool. I’m just going to glare at you through the wall until 5:00pm exactly, if that’s okay with you.