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Student Demands Removal of All Campus References to Ben Franklin in Light of "Horrific" Daylight Saving Time

(03/15/17 12:23am)

In an inspiring demonstration of what it means to be extra, College freshman Roshan Rulio has launched an ambitious effort to remove Benjamin Franklin from campus. The charge? Rulio alleges that Franklin created the "horrific", "misguided", and "frankly illogical" idea of Daylight Saving Time.

Penn Honors Failed Alumni by Inscribing Their Names in Loose Bricks on Locust

(02/27/17 8:44pm)

Ever since Penn declared a 3.9 percent tuition increase, Quakers have been complaining about the University and how it treats its students: phrases like “stingy,” “not worth the money,” "too stressful," and “not Harvard” have all been overheard. Amy Gutmann addressed these concerns this week, announcing that Penn is undertaking a new initiative to recognize Penn alums and show the student body that, no matter what you do at Penn, the school cares about you and is thankful for you.

Penn Fights Back Against Weird, Gross "Preaching"

(09/15/16 7:05pm)

This afternoon, two men arrived outside the Ben Franklin statue (and our lovely button!) and started preaching women on their "behavior," releasing a slew of bigoted views. Later on, one "preacher" remained as he needed to explain the rules on spotting a lesbian (i.e. if she wears pants/has short wear); called women whores and said that women don't have brains.