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A group of computer programmers and amateur cartographers have set out to solve the biggest problem facing approximately 33% of all undergraduate engineers: Where is the closest bathroom?
College sophomore Justin Rankin finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA, completed writing seminar requirement, and internship at a Fortune 500 company. However, he boasts that his proudest moment of the semester was breaking 500 likes in the Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club.
Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.
Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.
Finals are fast approaching, and for the majority of students, that means one thing: time to start sucking up to the only student who paid attention this semester.
Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.
There’s both a short and a long way to share my tale and the lessons it imparted on me. The short way is as follows: why go to Van Pelt with a pound of weed in your bag? Go home and smoke your weed.
The 2018 Fling lineup has already become infamous for not at all reflecting student preferences, but is it as unpopular as everyone thinks? UTB went deep to investigate, administering a campus-wide survey to assess the feelings of the student body regarding the booking of The All-American Rejects. The results were unequivocal: over twenty students, all of whom wish to remain anonymous, are excited to see The All-American Rejects. So why are people making it seem that no one is excited for the show?
Penn may have moved fling out of the quad, but College freshman David Koenig is moving fling right back in. Riepe residents woke up Friday morning to find their hall plastered with fliers inviting them to the biggest on-campus event of the weekend: drinking Banker’s in Koenig’s double and listening to Fall Out Boy.
You must be so happy that you found a course that fills both the Physical World and QDA requirements. Really got two birds stoned at the same time, huh? And it’s easy too! You must feel like the luckiest kid in DRL. I'm going to let you in on a secret, though: This class is for my major, so show some goddamn respect.
April has always been relatively devoid of any opportunity to party, but College sophomore Samuel Bloom has found an event that any Penn student can celebrate: his faculty advisor has finally signed his major declaration form, and Bloom wants all of his closest friends and acquaintances to come celebrate the first day of the rest of his life.
Facebook is the devil. Fake news, FOMO, unrealistic beauty standards, playing Words with Friends during class. Data leaks, cyber bullying, murders broadcasted on livestream. The 2016 elections, sad videos of starving polar bears, stalking your ex and his dumb new girlfriend. Political debates in comment threads, a newsfeed full of Under the Button posts, the 2016 elections. Everything about it makes me want to delete my account and throw my computer in the Schuylkill.
Dude, I get it. March Madness only comes around once a year, and I love basketball. I’m just so swamped with work lately. Maybe we could meet up after the game to celebrate? I know they’re probably going to lose, but you’ll be drinking, right?
Jessica Casey (C '19) has been officially recognized as the most focused student ever to sit in an ASTR 001: Survey of the Universe lecture. The title was previously held by a student employed at Weingarten as a note-taker, but Casey is not motivated by financial gain.
An exclusive source has revealed that GEOL 100 TA Kaitlin Jacobs (C ’18) took the class three years ago and doesn’t remember any of the material, but she does have the answer key, so people can check their answers if they want. The source also reported that Jacobs often angled her laptop screen towards the students, allowing them to look over her shoulder as she searched through the answers.
It’s the same thing every day. Students with headphones in, eyes fixed on the ground or glued to phones, hustling to get to their destination before they run into a polite acquaintance (or, like, are late to a meeting or something). The Penn student body is wildly diverse, but everybody can agree on one thing: making small talk on Locust sucks.
Lisa Cutler (C ’19) knows that we are on the brink of a revolution. Or maybe one that started a couple months ago.
Come on, guys. Seriously.
Aaron Becker (C ’19) has done something revolutionary.