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Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.
My roommate and I get along well, I think, but sometimes I get a little annoyed at how he acts. I don’t know if I’m a bad roommate for thinking this, but hear me out.
Junior Paul Maloney (C ‘19) did whatever he could to get into the Ivy League. He knew admissions were competitive, and simply having good grades and a high SAT score wouldn’t automatically grant him admission. While browsing through PrepScholar, he read a guide that claimed it would guarantee admission into some of the top schools in the US. Intrigued, Maloney read it and followed every step.
What school am I in? Oh, it’s complicated right now. I’m technically in the College, but I’m transferring to Wharton after this semester. I just think it’s a better fit for me. No, I’m not in it for the prestige, why would you even ask that? I really think having a business degree will allow me to create some positive social change.
High schooler Kyle Williams (C ‘22) grew up in a white, upper middle class, Christian household. He was the type of guy you’d want your daughter to date—well groomed, academically focused, and a true gentleman with no impure thoughts. After leading his high school debate team to state championships, starting a nonprofit that delivered food to homeless shelters, and maintaining a 4.6 GPA, Williams was admitted to Penn’s Class of 2022.
Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.
Paul Wegman (C '20) could be considered a teacher’s pet if he were in third grade. The star student is at the top of his class, consistently reaching the highest grades on every assignment and exam. He loves raising his hand, and never hesitates to correct any speaker. Wegman also hangs around office hours, pestering his professors with difficult, irrelevant questions. But college classes have a rather different environment; rapid-fire question mode isn’t conducive to lecturers finishing their presentations in a timely manner or providing one-on-one advice.
College campuses are often bastions of progressive thinking and social liberalism. Sophomore Jupiter Mountain (C '20) is at the forefront of enlightenment, constantly trying to reinvent the wheel of freedom.
With its students paying tuition upwards of $55,000 for the 2018-2019 school year, Penn's administration seems to be rather quiet about how its money is used. Over the course of the past seven weeks, our team of investigators uncovered the truth about where your tuition money really goes.
Fine, I’ll date you. I mean, you don’t have the dreamiest eyes, or the broadest shoulders, or the most defined cheekbones. You probably haven’t hit the gym in the past few weeks (or years), and you smell like cheesesteaks and clam chowder. I don’t particularly like your beat-up running shoes, or your rimless glasses, or that stupid porkpie hat you wear all the time. Your music taste sucks, you pronounce jalapeño with a hard "J," and your sense of humor is absolutely horrid.
The clock reads 10:33 a.m. My linear algebra professor stumbles in, wearing an oversized sweater and holding a Trader Joe’s tote bag full of decaying books. He glances at the clock, mumbles something incomprehensible, and shuffles to the podium.
Come on. Are you serious? We two months into 2018, and you still can’t write the correct year? There’s no other way to describe how I feel other than disappointed.
Victoria Jacobs (C ‘21) considered herself a star participator. In high school, she was well-loved by her teachers and coaches for always having the courage to speak, even (and especially) when no one asked. It was rare to walk into a classroom without Jacobs’ hands reaching for the ceiling, waiting to be called on so she could spurt out the solution to a calculus problem or name that famous Civil War general.
Everyone has their quirks, and Donnie Kasey (C ‘21) is no different. These are things that Donnie values in life: photoshopping pictures of his professors on the bodies of models, putting ketchup in his morning coffee, and taking long, relaxing shits on the toilet. Every time Donnie sits down on the toilet in his Quad dorm room, he takes off his socks, grabs a nice book and some snacks, and winds down in relaxing bliss. His daily toilet time is the only thing keeping him sane, and Donnie would do anything to make sure his little adventures are undisturbed.
This Penn Physics Professor didn’t become the chair of his department for nothing. For years, Dr. Louis Rozman toiled away in his lab, unlocking the secrets of the universe through his physics research. Now the head of the graduate research laboratory, Rozman has taken it upon himself to continue searching for answers.
Tommy Whitman (W ‘21) was always a people person. He had the amazing ability to remember people's names after only a single interaction. While it made girls he was pursuing uncomfortable at frat parties, he was never stumped by “Who do you know” because Whitman knew everyone. Naturally, he decided to rush, and expand his ever-growing network of the classic, “How does he know my name? I only met him once,” acquaintances.
Harrison Gordon (C ‘20) was used to wild nights. He would regularly engage in drunken rowdy behavior, defacing school property at least twice a week. He was a big fan of substances and experimented with anything that could alter his body, except for his private parts. Gordon was always hesitant of sexual exploration, possibly because of his fear of his inability to perform. Or maybe he just hadn’t found the right person to let loose around.
Yup, my roommate is leaving for the night. I think his parents are in town, and he’s staying with them at their hotel. That means I get the entire room to myself. The entire room!
Charlie Sullivan (W '19) was always a momma’s boy. He would do the dishes without being asked, made beautiful Mother’s Day cards accompanied with fancy bouquets, and always complimented her handmade pasta sauce art (even though it was disgusting). He was the best son a mother could ask for, and his mom knew it. She always kept the way Charlie treated her in her mind, and hoped that one day she would be able to return the favor.
Samuel Lowell (C ‘18) was an optimist. When things went awry, Lowell always kept his chin up and figured out what he could do better.