OP-ED: I Don’t Care That You Won the Nobel Prize, I’m Still Not Raising Your Credit Cap
(01/23/18 5:55am)
Why don’t you sit yourself down?
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OP-ED: University Plays God by Applying Monday Schedule to Wednesday
(01/10/18 7:10am)
I’m a simple man. I eat three square meals a day, I do my homework, and I always wear snow boots after November. I know my limits.
Aging Professor Keeps Mind Active by Constantly Thinking of New Ways to Break Students
(12/11/17 4:05pm)
Maurice Lewis has been a pillar of the Penn Anthropology department for nearly half a century. While he has no desire to quit his dream job, even he admits that the years are creeping up on him.
OP ED: You Can Study All You Want, but I Have a Photographic Memory
(12/06/17 7:06am)
Hey, you.
Owned: Trump Creates New Tax Plan to Get Back at Grad Student TAs Who Failed Him
(12/05/17 4:26am)
Trump’s been having a rough year. With an administration bogged down by scandal, horrifically low approval ratings, and a media that just can’t seem to get off his back, the poor guy really just needs a couple victories under his belt.
Confused Junior Starting to Believe He Got a Haircut over Break
(11/30/17 5:41am)
Sam Mercator (E ‘19) doesn’t really think much about his hair. Between problem sets, side projects, TA obligations, and entertaining his pet rock, his hands aren’t just full, they’re starting to suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome.
Facing Crowd at O'Hare Airport, Junior Decides to Stay Home Until Spring Semester
(11/29/17 4:06pm)
Debbie Khan (C '19) can’t get enough of Illinois. The moment that her 8:30 pm Wednesday class ended, she was off to the Philly Airport and on the first flight she could catch, a mere ten hours later.
Penn InTouch Acceptance Rate Drops to All-Time Low
(11/21/17 1:47am)
After securing a top ten slot in the Times higher education world university rankings, Penn has set its sights even higher. For years, our humble not-state-school has been bullied by heavyweights such as Harvard, Princeton and Stanford in elite college rankings. All rankings, that is, except for one. Across the nation, universities have striven to make their course-scheduling websites as open and accessible as possible. But here at the University of Pennsylvania, the gleaming torch of competition and rigorous selectivity still burns brightly against the hoards of the unenlightened.
'You're More Than a Number:' Sobbing Professor Comforted by Friends After PCR Rating Falls Below 3.5
(12/18/17 6:05pm)
Even in undergrad, people knew Henry Glocksen was going places. As a tenured professor at Penn, Glocksen revolutionized his highly esoteric subfield of mathematics and won a series of awards for exceptional teaching ability.
Meal Swipe/Dining Dollar Exchange Rate Plummets to All Time Low, NASDAQ in Free Fall
(11/14/17 5:34am)
Panic reigned supreme on the floors of the New York Stock Exchange when Penn reported that the exchange rate between Meal Swipes and Dining Dollars (MSDD) would be fixed at a historically low $4.87 for Q3 2017.
Uh Oh: Penn Constructing Buildings Faster Than Perelman Family Can Reproduce
(11/12/17 5:45pm)
You know what they say: stand anywhere on Penn’s campus, throw a rock, and odds are you’ll have dented a sign that says Perelman on it. Members of the Perelman family have given millions to Penn, and in return their names decorate everything from the Ruth and Raymond Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine, to the Perelman Quadrangle, to the Ronald O. Perelman Center for Political Science and Economics, to the Biff Perelman Center for Gastronomic Amelioration (formerly known as the drab green Penn Park outhouse).
Report: Amy Gutmann’s Daughter Originally Named “New Baby”
(11/06/17 8:07am)
Sources close to Penn President Amy Gutmann revealed this Saturday that her daughter, Princeton professor Abigail Gutmann Doyle, was originally baptised under the name "New Baby."
"GPA is Just a Number" Notes Student With 3.9 GPA, Multiple Offers
(11/04/17 7:39pm)
Hannah Poller (C ’18) hates seeing her friends stressed.
Graphic Design Student Makes Asymmetric Mock Schedule, Kicked Out of Major
(11/05/17 3:08pm)
Gordon Bolton (E ‘19) always thought that Graphic Design was his passion. He came to Penn with his heart set on the elite Digital Media Design program, and over his first two years distinguished himself as one of its most brilliant students.
Heartwarming! Penn Tells Vitriolic Preachers to Stay Away From Prospective Applicants
(10/29/17 3:14pm)
If you somehow didn’t already have enough reasons to love Penn’s administration, you’ll love this: last Thursday, the Office of the President announced that, henceforth, the homophobic preachers who frequent College Green will no longer be allowed to harass prospective applicants.
Future Penn President Crosses Penn Off Of Her College Application List
(10/27/17 4:23am)
Like thousands of high school seniors around the nation, Sonal Patel scrambled to assemble a list of colleges to which she will apply.
Heroic Student Buys a Meal Plan to Help Fund New Wharton Building
(10/19/17 3:16am)
Daanyal Khouresh (N’19) is the kind of guy who can’t bear to see someone else suffering. When he heard that Wharton’s planned multimillion dollar building was running into some funding issues, Khouresh knew he couldn’t just keep quiet.
Selfless Student Fails Random Classes’ Midterms to Improve their Curves
(10/17/17 9:24am)
It’s hard to find real heroes in today’s world. While the rest of us can barely spare the time to help out a fellow Quaker, James Kaplan (W ’19) is out there fighting the good fight.
"This Is a Shoes off Room," Declares Freshman Unaware of the Bodily Fluids Covering His Walls and Floor
(10/15/17 2:53pm)
Bryce Williams (N’21) can’t stand a mess. If you’re a dust speck looking to make a home inside his room, tough luck. You’d have better odds trying to get into a consulting club. As a dust speck.
Modern Day Al Capone Steals Bread from Dining Hall
(10/11/17 5:05am)
When Stanley “Slick” Sullivan (W’21) walks through the aisles of 1920 Commons, a cloud of fear descends upon the hall. In just two short months, tales of this freshman’s infamy have spread far and wide. Ask Slick’s cronies about his exploits, and you’ll be lucky to receive anything more than a thin lipped sneer and a gravelly warning against “people sticking their noses where they got no business.”