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Well, looks like the HIGHer-ups finally figured out that people smoke at the Biopond (probably after reading our list of Best Places To Smoke Weed On Campus) and they've taken, shall we say...dramatic action. The sign above has been strategically placed at the main entrance and, as you can see, the consequences are SEVERE. Good news is, if you missed out on the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, now's your chance to get in on one. You're harming your lungs, but at least it'll be for a good cause!
Your votes have been tabulated. Welcome to ROUND TWO. If you're just joining us, here's the deal: we've rounded up your favorite stories from this year and are pitting them against each other—it's like the thing they do with the sports, but better.
If you looked up from your phone for once, you probably noticed this plastic bag tightrope between two rooms in Harnwell and Harrison this morning. There are a lot of things we want to know, like: who? what? when? how? and why? While we'd like to believe they did it using some complex drone maneuvers, they probably just started making two separate chains from each room, let them reach the ground, connected them in the middle, and then pulled it tight...which is a lot of work for something that probably already got taken down by the time you're reading this—not to mention, a lot of groceries.
Watch with closed captioning on (hit the "CC" button) ?
Well, it's not every year that we find out who the headliner is before the opener, but no one's complaining (about that)...except maybe whoever runs SPEC's event page. Anyway, Kesha and Kygo! (Keshgo? Kysha?) Whaddya think!? Not one, but TWO Ks! And definitely not three! For those of you who don't know, Kygo's a professional neck model and DJ—it just wouldn't be Fling without one. And Kesha, for the sub-rock dwellers is, well, someone who brushed her teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels once. Get excited! Floor pass sign-ups start on Monday. As SPEC's Concerts Director put it so eloquently, "We can expect a performance."
Sorry SPEC, but Kesha herself beat you to it. That's right: everyone's favorite guilty pleasure is comin' to Penn on April 17th, which is coincidentally when Spring Fling is. Sound off in the comments: Disappointed? Excited? Already yelling Timber? At least it's not EDM again!
Sorry to say this but...welcome back. At least the slush/snow's all gone? Anyway, once you're done writing captions for your freshly uploaded beach pics, check out some of the stuff going on this week that might make being back to the grind a li'l more tolerable:
Not quite sure why Anonymous, son of Anonythorn (and BEPP student) used a worse version of Aragorn's speech, but professor Harrington couldn't resist replying. He tries defending professorkind by saying they're just like hobbits...but that's exactly what an evil wizard would want you to believe. Gotta hand it to him though for not pulling a low hanging "shall not pass" joke, but in the end, comparing managerial econ to the light of Eärendil was questionable—good luck fighting a giant spider with your budgeting spreadsheet, kids.
We dunno what you guys over at The College did to impress them, but the Dogs up above have finally decided to smile down on you. Check it: you've been blessed with a new website—and daauyyum, it's one of the few that comes close to looking as good as ours. Anyway, look under your seat because there's more. Thanks to an overall chill move by the Dean's Advisory Board, The College also has some brand new swag, bringing the University's most populous school one step closer to balancing out the nauseating overabundance of Wharton apparel. So Gryffindors, this one's for you.
Today's Magritte moment is brought to you by this "trash can" out in Rodin College House. Reality has been shattered, so feel free to stay home from class today.
In one of the bigger lol fuck yous of 2015 so far, Monster is passing out free caffeinated beverages directly in front of Starbucks. Guerrilla marketing? Yes. Will we take one? Sure. Is there another agenda here? You decide. But Starbucks, don't just stand there! Maybe take the cue and pass out some free grande mochas and pumpkin bread.
Ah, PennApps: a weekend-long hackathon reminding us that it only takes three days into a semester for Enginerds to be pulling all nighters. But instead of a good grade, it's all for something that's actually important: a chance at over $46K in prize money from sponsors like Facebook, Intel, and Comcast—an opportunity that draws pr0gr@mm3rs from all over the country to our Engineering Quad.
Like most things in life, finals week can be reduced to a game of chance played on a pre-printed 5 x 5 matrix. So since you're procrastinating anyway, go ahead and print out this page, cut out the card, and play! Good luck!
Free Federal Donut with your PennCard - now till the end of finals. Finally, a restaurant that understands how stress eating works. Go get 'em!
Heartbreaking news out of Washington this morning: the Undergraduate Assembly, for the first time since Penn was founded in 1740 (don't fact-check that), will be unable to offer shuttles to the airport this winter on grounds of "cost and logistical problems."
After a five-year dry spell, Penn finally gets a Rhodes Scholar – that's what they call someone who's won one of the oldest and most prestigious scholarships from Oxford University. So meet Rutendo Chigora, College senior, Penn World Scholar, Benjamin Franklin Scholar, and now Rhodes Scholar. Safe to say she's pretty smart. As a busy IR and polisci major, she has no time for you. Her side hustles include: founding ZW Connect, editing for the Sigma Iota Rho Journal for International Relations, and being the caliber of student your parents always wanted you to be. She even received a personal, tweeted congratulations from Dean Deturck.
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our annual Joke Day series. As if we would ever use this font seriously.]
Winter is coming. And at a University where the squirrels probably outnumber the students, that means lots of plumping up for the long, hibernative haul. But just like us, squirrels want the best for themselves – which is why we've put together this little guide for our little friends. Pass this post along to the squirrels you see most often (lookin' at you, Sparky) to help them prep for the winter. You know they'd do the same for you.
Look, here at UTB we love dogs as much as the next person. Pretty much everyone has one with them on campus and honestly, they're what make this four-year degree worth it. That's why it's especially important that we ask: does your dog have diarrhea? Because PennVet really, really wants to know – so much so, that they've put up signage literally everywhere. If there's one thing that could make your walk down Locust a little more scenic, or your photo in front of the Love statue a little more memorable, it's a subtle reminder that loose and watery canine stool is a thing.