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Brilliant! Student Avoids Talking to People on Locust by Being Pushed to Class in a Stroller

(04/10/18 4:21pm)

While her Wharton friends were creating startups and her Engineering friends were working on complex machinery, Susan Goldberg (C ‘20) focused on developing an even more important idea: the best way to avoid making small talk on Locust. Susan paid a young, married couple to push her from class to class in a pink stroller.

Senior Who Paid $80 For A Despacito Fling Downtown Still Hasn't Paid Roommate Back For Toilet Paper

(04/11/18 10:52am)

We all have our roommate problems. Maybe you live with someone who sleeps through 30 consecutive alarms in the morning, doesn't do their dishes, or is constantly invading your personal space. But Julio Dawson (C '18) takes shitty roommate to the next level. He recently spent $80 on a ticket for the Despacito LLC Downtown that's coming up, yet refuses to pay his roommates back for basic household needs like toilet paper, water cups, and trash bags.

OP-ED: This Class May Just Be Your Foundational Requirement, but It's in My Major. Show Some Respect.

(04/10/18 4:22pm)

You must be so happy that you found a course that fills both the Physical World and QDA requirements. Really got two birds stoned at the same time, huh? And it’s easy too! You must feel like the luckiest kid in DRL. I'm going to let you in on a secret, though: This class is for my major, so show some goddamn respect.

Yikes! Guy Bragging About Excel Skills Way Too Proud About Intimate Knowledge of Keyboards

(04/12/18 10:28am)

On another solitary Friday night in a GSR lit only by firelight, Maxwell Norman (W ‘19) practices his craft, blindfolded and with a hand tied behind his back. For most Penn students, Excel is nothing more than resume fodder used to distract recruiters from mediocre GPAs and non-existent extracurriculars, but for Norman, Excel means so much more, and frankly—it’s sort of weirding us out.

OP-ED: I'm All for Sex Positivity, but Please Don't Bang Your Man at 5 AM on a Tuesday

(04/11/18 11:03am)

What isn't there to love about sex? Pleasure, passion, seductively whispering your Second Amendment rights to your partner—these are all things that we all enjoy and that shouldn't be stigmatized. I'm all for the destigmatization of sex, but Alice, please, don't aggressively bang your man during the wee hours of the morning before our CIS midterm.

Penn Admissions Distributes 'It’s Been Real' Stickers to Students Also Accepted to Harvard, Princeton, or Yale

(04/18/18 10:28am)

Quaker Days—the grandiose commoditization of the college admissions process by wining and dining high school seniors—allows the University to give prospective students a raw, authentic, no frills look into what their lives as Penn students would look like. We as current students are constantly treated with delicious free meals, decorative cookies and Amy Gutmann appearances, so this makes sense.

Sophomore Throws Party to Celebrate Major Declaration

(04/18/18 10:29am)

April has always been relatively devoid of any opportunity to party, but College sophomore Samuel Bloom has found an event that any Penn student can celebrate: his faculty advisor has finally signed his major declaration form, and Bloom wants all of his closest friends and acquaintances to come celebrate the first day of the rest of his life.

Penn Researchers Find that Pineapple Definitively Does Not Belong on Pizza

(04/09/18 11:26am)

In a groundbreaking longitudinal study that spanned four years, two continents and several thousand pounds of mozzarella cheese, today Penn researchers have dealt a decisive blow against anyone who thinks it’s appropriate to defile the one pure thing left in the world in 2018 (pizza) with mushy cubes of yellow fruit.

SPEC Announces New Spring Fling Theme: Please Attend Our Event Please Please

(04/08/18 10:10am)

The good folks at SPEC Concerts have been working tirelessly to revolutionize how people can spend $35 to black out in a poorly-lit field, and once again, it looks like they’re catching lightning in a bottle with a fresh new theme. Between rib-splitting promotional content posted on Penn’s meme page to a focused push to rebrand Fling with all the throwbacks of a Ken’s BYO without the General Tso’s chicken, SPEC is revolutionizing how to market events that people feel mild social pressure to attend.