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56% of University Professors Felt CupcakKe Said ‘Vagina’ One Too Many Times

(04/16/18 7:05pm)

A study conducted post-fling by the Annenberg School of Communications found that 56% of University professors felt that CupcakKe said "vagina" one too many times during her performance. The study also found that 72% of professors listening were viscerally upset by the lyrics describing CupcakKe as “warm and melted.”


OP-ED: I'm In the College But I'm Transferring To Wharton And It Was Totally Unplanned

(04/22/18 3:06pm)

What school am I in? Oh, it’s complicated right now. I’m technically in the College, but I’m transferring to Wharton after this semester. I just think it’s a better fit for me. No, I’m not in it for the prestige, why would you even ask that? I really think having a business degree will allow me to create some positive social change.



Glow Up: Former High School NHS President Makes it to 9 A.M. On Time for the First Time in Months

(04/25/18 4:33pm)

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.


Junior Who's Watched 500 Hours of Gordon Ramsay Only Knows How to Yell at Roommates for Not Washing Dishes

(04/24/18 12:10pm)

With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. As a self-proclaimed foodie who spends 60% of his time in class watching people dump ungodly amounts of cheese onto every edible substance known to man, you’d sort of hope that Victor Augustine (C ‘19) could do a little bit more in the kitchen than just make popcorn in the microwave. Unfortunately, Victor’s culinary skills are the food equivalent of kindergarten finger paintings.




3 Types of Yarn You Can Knit This Summer While All Your Friends Are Interning at Hedge Funds

(04/20/18 6:56am)

The end of the school year is approaching, and it's not too long before internships begin. What is an internship, you ask? Oh, you don't know? Well, you probably know that a ton of your friends will be spending their summers in the Big Apple working in finance. Lucky for you, you have nothing to do at all from June until August! It is only fitting that you take up a new and exciting hobby. Here are 3 types of yarn you can knit while all your friends are interning at hedge funds.


‘I Can't Wait To Escape Penn's Toxic Environment This Summer,' Says Student Who's Living in House On Sansom

(04/21/18 2:21pm)

College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. Luckily, Clark found a way to keep her research position and still get away from Penn’s toxic environment.




​Prospective Freshman's Dinner With Parents Interrupted by 'Deepthroat' by CupcakKe

(04/15/18 2:22pm)

High schooler Kyle Williams (C ‘22) grew up in a white, upper middle class, Christian household. He was the type of guy you’d want your daughter to date—well groomed, academically focused, and a true gentleman with no impure thoughts. After leading his high school debate team to state championships, starting a nonprofit that delivered food to homeless shelters, and maintaining a 4.6 GPA, Williams was admitted to Penn’s Class of 2022.








'Help Me Penn Student, You're My Only Hope' Pleads Hologram Dean Furda in New Quaker Days Initiative

(04/15/18 1:48pm)

Despite fewer people being accepted into the University this year, the number of students Penn needs to host Quaker Days attendees seems to be growing exponentially. The admissions department seems mystified as to why undergrads aren't leaping at the chance to spend two days helping 17-year-olds collect mountains of free stuff before accepting their offers at Yale.