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East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!
My Fling was just like yours. I pretended to have more fun at parties than I actually did, got the sickest wristband cuff tan, and wouldn’t have been caught dead at the concert. My primary sources of nutrients were Wishbone tenders soaked in Buffalo Bleu sauce with a crisp Green Apple Four Loko to wash it all down, and Magic Gardens running out of liquor was more tragic than the California droughts.
It started with a lowly Ferrari.
A study conducted post-fling by the Annenberg School of Communications found that 56% of University professors felt that CupcakKe said "vagina" one too many times during her performance. The study also found that 72% of professors listening were viscerally upset by the lyrics describing CupcakKe as “warm and melted.”
What school am I in? Oh, it’s complicated right now. I’m technically in the College, but I’m transferring to Wharton after this semester. I just think it’s a better fit for me. No, I’m not in it for the prestige, why would you even ask that? I really think having a business degree will allow me to create some positive social change.
A person’s hairstyle speaks volumes. Stick straight hair can say “I mean business,” or “I have a lot of time on my hands.” A drastic buzzcut can let the world know you like to take risks, or maybe that you got lice from a dirty mattress in the Quad.
College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.
With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. As a self-proclaimed foodie who spends 60% of his time in class watching people dump ungodly amounts of cheese onto every edible substance known to man, you’d sort of hope that Victor Augustine (C ‘19) could do a little bit more in the kitchen than just make popcorn in the microwave. Unfortunately, Victor’s culinary skills are the food equivalent of kindergarten finger paintings.
College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m., Michaels realized she had exhausted her excused absences for her Introduction to Environmental Studies recitation.
Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you, the one procrastinating on the piles of work you have by scrolling through social media or pretending not to see me on Locust! Boy, do I have news for you.
The end of the school year is approaching, and it's not too long before internships begin. What is an internship, you ask? Oh, you don't know? Well, you probably know that a ton of your friends will be spending their summers in the Big Apple working in finance. Lucky for you, you have nothing to do at all from June until August! It is only fitting that you take up a new and exciting hobby. Here are 3 types of yarn you can knit while all your friends are interning at hedge funds.
College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. Luckily, Clark found a way to keep her research position and still get away from Penn’s toxic environment.
Tyler Reynolds (C ’19) has religiously followed Sixers basketball as long as anyone can remember. The team has gradually risen from the depths of despair and looks poised to do damage in the playoffs this year.
Have you noticed lately how some people are just lame? I have. And it must suck to be them.
High schooler Kyle Williams (C ‘22) grew up in a white, upper middle class, Christian household. He was the type of guy you’d want your daughter to date—well groomed, academically focused, and a true gentleman with no impure thoughts. After leading his high school debate team to state championships, starting a nonprofit that delivered food to homeless shelters, and maintaining a 4.6 GPA, Williams was admitted to Penn’s Class of 2022.
An alarming number of squirrels have recently been found dead on College Green. With so few showing signs of physical trauma, many assumed that this string of deaths was due to chemical poisoning.
A recent study by a Penn data science team has found that 89% of students who ride electric longboards end up sad and lonely.
When Caroline Jimenez (W '19) saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.
Sending you the link to a sub-1000 view YouTube music video, your one friend with a radio show on the student station is really trying to get you to appreciate an awful song.
I can’t believe I actually have to write an article about something this obvious, but I think it’s time we all address the elephant in the room. Penn’s "lovable" Quaker has an overpowering fetish for other people dressed in animal costumes, and is using his role as mascot to mask his darker desires. Let’s look at the facts.